Diary of a Growing Woman

Back on the Blog

2012-01-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of catching up to do. I really fell off the the wagon but once you see what an incredibly busy 7 months I have had, I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

June

Life came full circle this summer when I stood at the mouth of the Brooklyn Bridge, looking at the City. I tried to channel the young waitress who use to make that twilight commute home over the East River after a miserable evening of waiting tables. I wish she could stand next to her 30 year old self. That 20 year old dreamer would look at Nyla stumbling barefoot along the wooden planks and then turn to catch a pizza stained smile coming from Marianna and she would know it was all going to be okay.

July

Home sweet home! Nothing is more welcoming then the sight of the Mediterranean as our plane lunges towards the Larnaca shore. We spent 6 beautiful weeks in Cyprus. Nyla got to meet her extended family for the first time, including her namesake Yiayia Paraskevi. We honored her special name by baptizing her at a lovely old church in the heart of my hometown, Nicosia. Family and friends gathered to see my girl Friday take the plunge.

Great grandparents

We then all took the plunge into the crystal clear waters of Paphos. Followed by a trip to a quaint mountain village where we stayed in a traditional Cypriot village home.

The girls had a fabulous time feasting on watermelon and lounging around swimming pools. Having a Mommy who is from a Mediterranean island sure has its perks.

Pappou getting a seaweed facial

August

We vowed to return to Scotland after spending an amazing weekend here 5 years ago. We were yet again pleasantly surprised by this beautiful country. This time we visited Glasgow and part of the Highlands. It was breath taking. There is something truly magical about this place. Marianna still talks about exploring castles, hiking the steep hills and looking for sea monsters. It was an adventure straight out of her storybooks.

Phew. That was our summer in a nutshell. Thank you to the friends and family who showered us with love. We miss you dearly. Congratulations to our dearest friends Noelle and Nate - Jessica and Lex who invited us to be part of their weddings. We had a blast.

We returned to Los Angeles relaxed and ready for a busy 4 months of celebrating. Stay tuned for my Fall update full of birthday parties and holiday celebrations.

It's good to be back.

Happy Birthday Nyla

2011-11-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

Laugh

2011-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

I have been very stressed out getting ready for this trip and Marianna has been feeling the anxiety and acting out lately. She has been refusing to nap and this is causing big meltdowns around dinner time. It has been rough on the both of us. I feel like I spend so much time reprimanding her and very little time just having fun like we use to.

Last night in the midst of packing madness I heard her call from the bathroom. My first thought was that she was up to no good. I was right. But sometimes "no good" is hilarious. I fell to the floor in hysterical giggles when I saw what she had done. We all needed a good laugh.

First steps!

2011-06-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

I don't have time for a 7 month post I am too busy chasing after Nyla.

I was in the kitchen frosting cupcakes when I heard thud, thud. I peeked out sure that Nyla had landed on her butt after reaching for something or that Marianna was doing gymnastic jumps. Instead I was greeted by my naked 7 month old walking towards me. She had a toy in her mouth and was waving her arms excitedly as she stomped towards me. 3 full steps before she sat back to applaud herself.
I am still in shock!

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

6 Months

2011-05-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

You may be wondering why it took so long to update the blog. Well this month Nyla went from rolling over to sitting up to crawling to cruising in a matter of 6 weeks! I have had not a single moment to enjoy the development. Instead I have been running around the house picking up chocking hazards.

I was contemplating whether I should post this video since my house looks like a disaster zone in it, but I think it really puts into perspective what a radical developmental transformation Nyla has gone through this month.

Oh and she also got teeth.

A sneak peak into a day in our life.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T22:25:00.001-07:00

5 Months

2011-04-09T14:19:00.001-07:00

She can roll, she can sit, she is on her way to crawling. Nyla is on the move. It is a great stage right now. She can entertain herself for longer stretches but she rarely needs to entertain herself when she has Marianna to put on a show for her. Nyla is Marianna's biggest fan. Sometime all Marianna has to do is look at Nyla and she will burst into giggles. I was surprised the other day when I noticed that she recognizes Marianna's name and will turn to look for her when I call it out. She also chases Marianna around a room by rolling her way across the carpet or flinging herself forward in a inch worm kind of crawl. It is a nice glimpse into the future when they will hopefully spend more time playing with each other. Marianna always wants to involve Nyla in a game of hide and seek and she never forgets to assign her a role in her daily game of make believe princess. I must say Nyla gives a great performance as Dopey when we play Snow White.

However things are not always rosy in fairy-tale land and Nyla's new found independence has caused more sharing and boundary issues. Marianna gets very frustrated when she is having 'quiet time' and Nyla scoots her way over and tries to chew on the book she is reading. Marianna has also become more possessive over her toys and I have had to constantly reassure her that Nyla is not going to actually eat her doll. I knew this stage of parenting would come but I didn't expect it so soon. I have to make a conscious effort to not just snatch things away from Nyla but instead promote sharing. William taught Marianna to gently replace something that she doesn't want Nyla to be playing with, with one of her teething toys. Her first lesson in being a sibling.

We also started solids this month and Nyla is enjoying a variety of pureed fruits and veggies. Her favorite at the moment is apple sauce. Still no luck with the bottle but by next month I plan to introduce the sippy cup so I might just give up on the bottle-feeding dream.

Sleep is still an issue but William has been off a lot. When he is home he lets me sleep in. So although we have not had any progress with managing the night awakenings I feel more rested during the day, which helps. Her naps are consistent (3 a day) and her bedtime is 9pm. Our evening routine is pretty solid and both girls are usually asleep by 9:30pm and up for the day at 8am. So all in all I can't complain. That won't last forever. Nyla will start teething and Marianna has already started dropping her nap. So I know to enjoy it while it lasts.

The weather is perfect and I finally feel like I got this down. We are all excited Spring is here.

I told you so

2011-04-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

I might be small but I'm smart.

She is just small! I knew it. We had our visit with an endocrinologist yesterday. We waited for 1 1/2 hours to see this prestigious specialist and when he walked into the room and examined Marianna it was apparent to all of us that it was a complete waste of everyones time.
All the blood work came back normal and according to his "charts" she was not even considered abnormal. She was somewhere between the 5th and 10th percentile. That's the problem with those damn charts. They are subjective. Every doctor plots them differently, every nurse measures differently, scales vary...
As far as her not growing in 6 months he thinks it may have been a clerical mistake on the nurses part. I plan on looking into this and if this is true and I subjected Marianna to countless exams and blood test just because some nurse put a dot on the wrong line, then Glendale Pediatrics will feel my wrath. Another theory he offered was that she may have been too big to start with and she began to grow at a slower velocity to meet her genetic potential.
I am just so relieved that his suggestion was to "leave the kid alone". He suggested that we might want to do the tests again in 6 months just because hormone patterns change. That is not gonna happen. We are officially moving on from this year long ordeal and plan to just sit back and watch out beautiful little girl thrive.

Jump

2011-03-28T09:13:00.001-07:00

Failure to Thrive

2011-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

The dreaded words. As a parent you don't want to hear the word failure associated with your child. Their failure is your failure and that is how I feel. Like a failure.

All Marianna's doctors have shown some concern about her short stature but up until recently they have all come to the conclusion that behind the numbers and charts is a bright child, who eats well and seems healthy so there is no reason to worry.

I have always believed that she is just small. It has been my mantra since the day she was born. Although always under the weight and height charts she has been growing, steadily and consistently at her own rate. This all changed after her 2nd birthday. At her 2 1/2 year check up we were shocked at hear she had only gained a few ounces in 6 months! It seemed impossible.

So the tests have begun. Gastroenterologists, endocrinologists, nutritionists, stool tests, blood work, physical exams. It seems like a never ending search with no answers. The whole time my sweet baby sits there with a brave face and allows them to prick and probe her. I just want to yell STOP!

But every time I decide this is the last test those words echo in my head: failure to thrive.

I don't want her to fail. I just want her to thrive.

4 months

2011-03-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

I had grand ideas going into this. She would not be rocked or nursed to sleep. She would take a bottle and William would help with night feedings. She would not sleep with us instead she will sleep peacefully in her co-sleeper. She would be able to put herself to sleep if by some strange reason she was awakend by a screaming 2 year old. She would learn to abide to a consistent sleep schedule that would coincide perfectly with that of her older sibling.

Yes I know I set the bar ridiculously high but was very satisfied with the results. Nyla was for the most part an easy baby that although needed some rocking could be soothed to sleep by pretty much anyone. She didn't take the bottle but vary rarely would fall asleep at the breast. Instead she preferred to be put in her swing (wide awake) and fall asleep on her own. Although easily startled by noise (surprisingly even loud "I don't want to go to the potty" tantrums) we would be able to quickly soothe her back down into a peaceful slumber. She even had a consistent bedtime that synchronized nicely with Marianna's. She took to her co-sleeper and on the rare occasions that she would have trouble sleeping at night she refused to be brought into bed with us.

Oh how quickly things change. Month 4 will forever be known as "Hell Month". Nyla did a 180 and to make a long story short, does the opposite of everything I stated above. I don't know if the change came about because she hit a major milestone (rolling over) or if it was because during the few days that she was suffering from a bad cold I ended up having to nurse her and hold her upright to get to sleep. Or if it is her sudden awareness and need to socialize that is making her seek our company more and fight sleep. All I know for sure is that for the past 4 weeks I have had a total of 3-4 hours of sleep per day and I am at my wits end.

We are currently considering sleep training. I don't know what kind or when I will officially start, but something has to change. I am researching a variety of methods, including the one we used to teach Marianna to put herself to sleep. It was not a fun experience and I am dreading it, but it worked. Marianna was so much happier (and so was I) after the training was complete. I just have to keep that in mind when we embark on the miserable task with Nyla.

Despite my extreme exhaustion it is hard to not remain positive when I am raising a very special little girl. Nyla is always offering huge smiles and I like to think it is her way of telling me: I love you mommy and we'll get through this.

Month Three

2011-02-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

Those of us who have had children always remember how wonderful the third month is. It is that magical time in a newborn's life when the cloud of infancy is lifted and it is like they see their world for the first time. I was anticipating it this time, so it made it so much more special when a few weeks ago Nyla momentarily stopped nursing to look up at me with recognizing eyes and smile. It was as if she was saying "you are my mommy and I like you a lot."

I am not the only thing Nyla is discovering. She has found her feet, her hands, her dangling toys and her voice. She has surprised us with not only playful grins but bursts of giggles. Now that the colic has subsided she has become such a joyful baby. She loves to socializes and her whole body jumps with happiness when you pour the sweet talk on her. However unlike Marianna, who would smile at homeless people on the subway, Nyla is very selective with her love. Everyone who meets her thinks she is a "serious baby" but around us that is far from true.

I have definitely found my rhythm as a mother of two. I can easily distinguish tired cries from hungry cries and on most occasions I am able to get through most days with very little fussing. It still amazes me how much parenting depends on just following instincts. On days when I have a lot of helping hands I sometimes find it more difficult and both the kids seem to fuss more. I think it mainly has to do with the fact that I am able to step away from parenting to shower, take a call or email and as a result break the flow that we have going when I am home alone with them. It is like I stop listening for those subtle hints that trouble is about to break lose. It is hard to explain how mother instincts work, but when I am fully 'present' I am surprised how smooth things can go.

Although I still lack much needed sleep. The third month has been fun. I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and our days are starting to form into a predictable pattern.

On that note, I'll leave you with some laughs from Miss Nyla Friday.

Super Star

2011-01-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

Showing off one of her art projects: a jewelry box

I spent my first two week alone with the girls. Luckily William managed to be home almost every evening to help with bedtime. I was terrified going into it, but I did it. Although I am very proud of myself, the real super star was Marianna. It was like she knew mommy needed her. She was very patient and well behaved all week. She gave me no problems with the new nap time routine (no more reading books in bed together, instead we read at lunch and she goes to her room and sleeps on her own) and spent a lot of time playing on her own.

Marianna's outdoor art studio

I don't know if it is because I am constantly comparing her to Nyla but Marianna seems to have matured since her sister has been born. She seems like such a big girl. We have in depth conversations about all kinds of stuff, like movies and books we have read. She also has formed some strong opinions and is very vocal about her 'favorite' things. Although these opinions change frequently it is exciting to see her become an individual and no longer just parrot my actions. The other day I gave her her usual blueberry yogurt. She demanded vanilla. I said "but blueberry is your favorite." She replied "no blueberry is mommy's favorite." She was right!

Helping mommy change Nyla's diaper

I got very emotional when she was promoted to the 'big kids' class at gymnastics. In this class I am no longer needed to assist her and I had to watch from the sidelines. It was the first time she had to take directions from another adult and although she loves it I found it hard to not yell across the gym when the coach would ask her something and not understand Marianna's reply. It made me realize how much I speak for her. This new challenge is good for both of us.

It is interesting to see her revert on the weekends. When William is around she acts up and gives us all a very hard time. It got so bad that we had to give her her first 'time out.' I wonder if it is her way of getting the attention she missed out on all week. I also think it is hard for her to see her daddy with Nyla, when she has been waiting all week to play with him. Ironically her new favorite game to play with her father is "baby time". She makes William swaddle her and pretend to change her diaper and rock her to sleep. This makes me confident that her misbehaving is a reaction to the attention he gives Nyla. It breaks my heart.

Despite this, Marianna is growing into her role as big sister and she has been a huge help to me this month. I hope one day she will read this and know how much I appreciated her sharing this time in my life with me.

Month Two

2011-01-03T14:43:00.000-08:00

Nyla's big blue eyes sparkle as she is much more alert this month. She has started giving us those amazing social smiles that I have been waiting for. She loves sweet talk and is especially happy when she is diaperless. She continues to grow rapidly and I ampositive she is over 10 pounds by now. I can barely squeeze her into Marianna's old winter clothes. Thank goodness for her shopoholic Yiayia who replenished her closet with many new outfits that fit.

It has been amazing having my mom here for the past month. It has been so much fun to see

her and Marianna play with each other. Marianna has picked up some Greek words and loves to sing Greek songs that Yiayia has taught her. It was so nice to have an extra set of hands. My mother always goes beyond normal grandma duties, she also takes on the role of a live in maid. The house has been spotless, not a dish in the sink or a piece of dirty clothing to be found. She leaves on Wednesday and she will be missed so much by all of us.

I am nervous about starting my new life as a stay at home mom of two girls. I have no clue how I am going to survive. William is at work for two weeks and hopefully Dianna can make it up a few days to help out. My plan of action is to come up with some fun activities for Marianna to do on her own. I hope that her new Christmas toys will keep her happy (and quiet) while I tend to Nyla's needs. On the bright side I can see a schedule forming in Nyla's eating and sleeping patterns. She has a long nap at noon that can often last 4 hours and sometimes overlaps with Marianna's nap time. I hope that keeps up. She does continue to have a fussy period at around 8pm which unfortunately coincides with Marianna's bath and bed time so I'm gonna have to come up with a way to handle that on my own. However Nyla's night time sleep had become very predictable. She is in her co-sleeper by 10:30pm and doesn't wake up for her first night

feeding until 3:00am. This gives me a nice long stretch of sleep at the beginning of the night. After that she is up briefly every 2 hours but quickly settles after each feeding. I remember this happening around 2 months time with Marianna, but I also remember it not lasting long so I will be smart enough this time to enjoy it. Sadly we still have had no luck bottle feeding Nyla. She use to humor us with a couple of bottle feedings here and there, but now she flat out refuses it. This is a huge disappointment because I have been excited to start Marianna in Gymnastics and Music class but will not be able to leave Nyla f

or too long if she continues to reject the bottle. I was really looking forward to this alone time with Marianna and it is so frustrating that it is not working out. I have tried every bottle on the market and have left her with both William and my mo

m for hours hoping that my absence would get her to give it a try - nope. So we will continue to persist and fingers crossed she will eventually come around. It is hard to be hopeful considering Marianna never did.

All in all it has been another lovely month. The holidays were full of love and laughter. We had several parties and get

together where we got to spend time with all our loved ones and it reminded us how lucky we are to be here close to the people we care about the most.

Happy New Year

2011-01-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

This digital collage generated with Smilebox

We have had yet another eventful year. Marianna continued to amaze us as she grew from a toddler to a clever and charming little girl. She was potty trained, started preschool (in the co-op I help found) and her vocabulary exploded. In May we spent an incredible 2 weeks in Thailand. We returned to find Law & Order had been cancelled and that sparked one of the biggest decisions of our lives. In July we said good-bye to New York City after calling it home for 9 years and made the move West. Although we miss Brooklyn we are very happy in our new home. It has been a blessing to have family near us and Marianna was able to spend time with her Obaasan before she passed away in October. In November we celebrated the birth of our daughter Nyla and ended the year surrounded by friends and family.

I can't wait to see what 2011 has in store. Happy New Year.

My Modern Picasso

2010-12-20T19:03:00.000-08:00

Marianna made this family portrait of us today.

One Month

2010-12-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

People ask me all the time how it is having two kids to take care of? The truth is that these last 4 weeks have been hard. Of course I expected it. I knew I would be up all hours and then have to spend the day splitting my attention between my two girls. I knew I would have to be sensitive to Marianna's tantrums and have to find creative ways to deal with them. I knew that I would have to make a big adjustment to our daily routine to include breast-feeding, diaper changing etc. All this is definitely starting to fall into place. What I didn't expect and plan for was how guilty and sad I would feel - ALL THE TIME.

William and Dianna have been a huge help. When they are around they shower Marianna with the attention she is use to but I can't help but feel sad and often jealous that they get to do the things I use to love to do with her. I miss our afternoon tea parties and our nature walks. I miss sharing an ice cream at our local pinkberry or just snuggling in bed after naptime. Now with the new baby around most of my energy is spent caring for her and any free time I do have I feel like I should be resting or having 'me' time. This has manifested into guilt. I know that soon I will be able to plan mommy time for Marianna and I hope to schedule a music class for us to go to together. It will just take some time to learn to juggle my attention between the two of them.

Enough about me let me tell you about our sweet Nyla.

She is growing so quickly. At her one week check up she gained back her delivery weight and then some. At 8 pounds she never got to wear the cute premie outfits I saved from when Marianna was born. Now at one month she is already growing out of her newborn clothing. She has the perfect baby rolls that I admired in other children. Marianna was always very lean and muscular. Despite Nyla's plumpness she is very strong. Holding her head up and standing supported.

She loves tummy time and even prefers to sleep on her belly. She is a very restless sleeper and for this reason she spends very little time with us in our bed at night. A friend gave us a co-sleeper and after her night feedings I just place her in it. I was looking forward to a baby I could snuggle with and made it a priority to teach her to nurse while I was laying down. Unfortunately she grunts and snorts all night so that I could never fall asleep comfortably with her next to me.

She is a little colicky too which has led to a few sleepless nights but it seems to be clearing up. I also introduced the bottle early and she is learning to take it but is still fussy about it. I plan on being persistent about it because it will really allow me to plan more alone time with Marianna, and William too.

My favorite thing about my little girl is that she sneezes all the time. It is so cute because after the third or fourth sneeze in a row she ends with a huge sigh.

All in all it has been a good first month. It will take some more time to figure out how to live my new life but with the holidays quickly approaching and with my mom on her way I'm sure next month will be even better.

It was a sunny day...

2010-11-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

This the story of Nyla's birth. I had been having false labor pains for weeks but just like my due date they came and went. For this reason after dinner on Tuesday night even though I was having mild, consistent contractions I didn't make a fuss because I was confident it was another false alarm. I was completely caught off guard when after I put Marianna to bed I was greeted by three hours of intense contractions. Although it felt very real I was still skeptical and we waited until 3am before we called Dianna to come over. By this time my contractions were painful and were about 5 - 3 minutes apart.

My midwife warned me at our last pre-natal check-up that I should not hang around the house too long as the second child comes quick and we didn't want to be stuck in traffic in active labor. So although I was still unsure of my progress we decided to leave the house at 5:30am to beat the morning traffic.

We called the hospital ahead of time to let our midwife know we were coming, so you can imagine my disappointment when we got there and the nurse staff didn't know where she was. They instead sent in an intern who was eager to check my progress. He looked like he was not a day over 20 and I felt immediately uncomfortable around him. He was 'pleased' to inform me that I was only 3cm dilated and could not be admitted until I was atleast 4cm. He suggested a stroll around the UCLA campus for a few hours. As if this wasn't enough of a blow to my

confidence he then felt my belly and exclaimed "ohhh this is a big baby!" He pulled out his iphone and punched in a few numbers before predicting the baby would be 8 pounds 15 ounces. What!? Why would you tell a woman who is psyching herself up for child birth that according

to you iphone app she is going to have to push a huge baby out!?

Sadly, a big baby turned out to be the least of my worries. We grabbed our little orange suitcase and headed out of the hospital. On our way out we bumped into my midwife who barely acknowledged us. When I told her what had happened while she was away she just shrugged and said "you'll be back eventually."

So at 7am we hit the streets of Westwood. College students hiding under UCLA hoodies whized by us as I stopped to moan through my contractions. It was cold, I was wearing pajamas and I was exhausted from not sleeping or eating. This had to be a nightmare.

At 8:45am I was standing at the entrance of UCLA's football field, in the middle of a contraction when I suddenly was surrounded by a pool of liquid. William was excited that my water had broken which would mean immediate admission into the labor and delivery ward. I was pretty sure I had peed my pants. I had been needing to go for awhile. However I was willing to believe I was wrong partly because I was already feeling humiliated roaming the streets in my state. When we arrived back in labor and delivery I was informed that I was only 4cm and I had indeed peed my pants. On the bright side a very nice nurse admitted us and took us to our room.

The beautiful morning light flooded our hospital room and I was feeling more hopeful that we were on our way to having a baby. William convinced me to have a snack as we waited for our midwife to make an appearance. When Susan finally came in the first thing she said to me was "you better wipe that miserable look off your face." I don't know what she expected from someone who had just spent her morning urinating on a college campus. She then asked what I wanted to do? I want to have a baby, obviously. "Well judging by the fact that you are sitting around eating, it is not going to happen soon and there are other people waiting for this room", she replied. "What do you suggest?" I asked "Pitocin and an epidural," was her answer. And despite my firm disapproval she continued to push this every time she would returned to check my progress which was the only time we would see Susan and I was glad about that. Every time she did come in she made

me feel like I was wasting her time.

Thank God for William. He never faltered. He was always ready to suggest ways to distract me and progress labor. He walked me up and down the hospital hallways coaching me through contractions and keeping my spirits up.

At 2pm Susan made one of her dreaded visits and she informed me that I was barely 6cm. Again like a street dealer she listed the array of drugs available to me. I began to doubt myself and was for the first time tempted by her offer. William quickly whisked me into a hot shower and

assured me that we were close. I didn't believe him.

At 3pm my contractions were strong and very painful. I was unsure if I could stand another minute of this but was terrified I would give in to the medication so I decided to ask for my waters to be broken in the hopes that it would move thing along. Our nurse paged Susan with my request. She then did a routine fetal heart rate check and noticed the baby's heart rate was low. Susan arrived and when told the news she stared at the screen concerned and then turned to me and said: "Oh Johanna, I think you are going to need a C-section." As soon as I heard the forbidden word leave her lips I snapped up and yelled: "NO!"

That was the moment I took charge of the situation. I had been very polite up to now but I chose natural child-birth because I wanted it to be an empowering experience. However I had

spent the last 6 hours doubting myself and apologizing for my performance. It was time to step up to prove to Susan that I would be having this baby naturally with or without her support.

Good news was that with the help of the nurse who gave me oxygen and an IV we got the baby's heart rate up. Bad news was that because of this scare I had to remain on the fetal monitor and IV until delivery.

It was now 4pm. My water was broken and Susan said that she would have to stay and monitor the heart rate for an hour to make sure it remained normal. She took a seat next to my bed, crossed her hands over her chest and stared at the monitor.

My anger and disgust must have thrown my body into motion. I got out of bed and although I couldn't go far I positioned myself so that I could not see Susan. With William by my side reassuring me that "she would be here soon," I squatted and with every contraction I could feel her dropping down into my birth canal. At one point I had forgotten that there was a midwife

there and was ready to push this baby out on my own. William recognized this new stage and turned to Susan and said "this baby is coming."

I don't think she believed him because she casually asked me to lay down so she could check me. I was disappointed to involve her and I immediately started to doubt myself again. Although I could feel the baby in my birth canal and I had that burning need to bear down, I was convinced that she would check me and tell me I was still 6cm.

As soon as I opened my legs for the exam I didn't need her to say a word. I knew it was go time. I wish I could remember the look on her face when she saw Nyla crowning. I do remember her frantically paging the nurses and the pediatricians (there had been meconium in my amniotic fluid so there needed to be pediatricians available at the delivery to check the baby's lungs).

The nurses rushed in just in time for a powerful contraction. I was in the middle of pushing when Susan yelled at me: "Stop pushing, we can't do this without the pediatricians!"

I spent so much money on birthing classes and birth books to learn how to push a baby out but no one had taught me how to stop pushing.

"I can't!" I yelled back. And out she flew.

Susan who was reaching for a towel on the table behind her, turned just in time to catch our baby girl.

I sat up in shock. I watched as they rushed her over to the pediatricians, still unable to believe what had happened. William went with her but he returned to give me a kiss on the forehead and I remember him whispering: "she is here". I think he could see the disbelief in my face.

Moments later she was in my arms. As I looked down at this tiny, perfect creature, I quickly became a believer.

Welcome Nyla Friday Evans

2010-11-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

Born November 3rd, 2010 at 4:59pm

7 Pounds, 5oz

21 inches

The Time Has Come

2010-11-03T04:04:00.000-07:00

It is 4am. The contractions have been consistent and strong since midnight.

Painfully Tired

2010-11-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of the Haskes

She is not here yet and we are all so sick and tired of waiting. Yes we know, we should be enjoying these peaceful moments with only one child...we are! It's great.

Except I have been having painful contractions that lead to nothing. They happen every day last a couple of hours, get us all excited and then disappear. Taking all hope with them. William has been unable to take work for weeks afraid he'll have to leave last minute. Dianna has been making daily trips to our house from Orange County in the hopes that the "time has come" only to return home every night disappointed. Even Marianna has stopped talking about the arrival of baby sister. I think she officially does not believe us anymore.

We have swept and mopped, vacuumed and scrubbed the house in preparation, only to have to do it again and again and again. This is the third time we are doing laundry thinking that this is our last time in a while. And I am soooo sick of shaving my legs!

I stare longingly at the my packed orange suitcase that lays at the foot of our bed. Wondering when will it be put to use. I know inside is her clean, coming home outfit, her tiny little socks and her hat. I just imagine it in there, laying flat under the blankie Granny made for her. What will it be like to fill that outfit up with a this little person who has been occupying my body for over 9 months? I am just dying for her to come out and occupy my life.

I know, I know.

She will come in her own time. She can't stay in there forever. Enjoy this time. As long as she is healthy....

I know.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T22:55:00.001-07:00

We weren't expecting to be able to take Marianna trick or treating this year so when baby was late we took the opportunity to throw together these costumes and make our way out into the neighborhood.

Marianna was excited to be Dorothy and proudly stomped her ruby slippers up to all the beautifully decorated houses to collect her treats. William on the other hand shutters at the photos of himself as the Tin Man because he thinks he looks like a knock off of a cast member of the Blue Man Group. I think it's hilarious and not a bad costume for having only an hour to throw it together. I was an over stuffed scarecrow and Dianna was the Wicked Witch of the West. We also had Marianna's toy Lion with us but he hung out in the stroller.

We ended the evening with a pizza dinner and a some minor contractions. All in all it was a Happy Halloween.

Countdown to Baby

2010-10-29T14:04:00.001-07:00

Due

2010-10-28T09:15:00.001-07:00

Today is my due date. No contractions. No baby. Enough said.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

2010-10-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

Nope no baby yet but still feeling some pre-labor contractions. Getting slightly stronger but nothing to get excited about. I am much more cautious this time round. I won't let myself forget when I was pregnant with Marianna that I spent 3 frustrating days feeling my contractions come and go and change intensity rapidly only to disappear completely. So although I am anxious and annoyed, fed up and tired I know there is a bigger storm coming and I need to stop whining and gear up for it.

On the bright sight I spent a beautiful day with my two favorite people. We went to story time at the library. Had lunch at one of my favorite cafes, napped and then went to the playground. The day ended with a yummy spaghetti dinner. We then cuddled on the couch to watch Marianna's first ever movie. The Wizard of Oz. She loved it and when I put her to bed all she could talk about was toto, Dorothy, the witch and her favorite - the scarecrow.

Watching her staring wide eyed at the television, I couldn't help but recall that stormy night that I gave birth to her and it reassured me that in the end of it all there was a rainbow.

Good Vibrations

2010-10-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

I was disappointed leaving my 40 week doctor's appointment today. I was hoping that the midwife would examine me and let me know if any progress was happening down there. She said that there was no point giving me an examination unless I wanted to be induced, as spontaneous labor would happen spontaneously.

I'm still not technically late. My official due date is not until Thursday, October 28th (my dad's birthday) but since Marianna arrived in my 39th week I was just hoping this baby would too.

So although I did leave disappointed, I was pleasantly surprised when I got home and laid down I could feel some nice, consistent Braxton Hicks contractions.

I'm hoping this is my uterus's way of saying "hang in there, I'm getting ready for the big show."

It's 10:30pm here and I'm off to bed. We'll see how the rest of the evening goes. Good night.

Due Date Update

2010-10-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

No baby yet. I am 39 weeks pregnant and I want this baby out! My back hurts, I have very little energy and I'm just really excited to meet her. So hopefully the next time I post I will be introducing our little girl.Although we had a rough few weeks with the sudden passing of William's grandmother and all the service planning, we did manage to get a lot of nesting done. I was expecting to be more relaxed this time round but as the laundry kept piling up and the house kept getting filthier and filthier I started panicking. An expensive trip to Babies 'R us to purchase all the last minute things I need helped calm my anxiety and we are having a family "clean-up" afternoon as soon as nap time is over to get the house into shape.

We also made it a priority to spend a lot of time doing fun Fall things with Marianna. We foresee the new arrival to be a huge change for her so we want to give her a lot of attention now that we have some down time. We went to a swanky pumpkin patch in Beverly Hills and picked out an overpriced pumpkin which we carved last night. We also made some cute Fall inspired door decorations. I was particularly proud of Marianna's scarecrow - it was her first time drawing a face.

We also had a follow up Pediatrician's appointment yesterday and we got Marianna's hormone and bone age test results back. All looks normal. The doctor took a look at her charts again and it turns out that even though her height velocity rate is dropping unusually there was a mistake in the plotting of the chart and it is not at an alarming rate. She would like to continue to monitor her growth in the next couple of months and see how it goes.

So that is our news (or lack of it). Hopefully a lot more to come soon.

2010-10-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

Butterfly

2010-10-07T20:29:00.001-07:00

The "terrible twos" have finally set in and they couldn't have come at a better time. I have been so exhausted by this pregnancy that dealing with a perfect angel is a challenge but dealing with this emotional roller-coaster that is zooming through my house is at times impossible.

The power struggles are manageable. If I am patient I can usually sway Marianna to give in to what I want and convince her to pick herself up off the floor, wipe away those crocodile tears and listen to mommy. On good days I even find some of her tantrums hilarious. The other day I asked her to brush her teeth and she threw herself onto the carpet in an Oscar worthy display that involved, kicking, screaming and crying. Before I could even react the performance stopped suddenly as she noticed the puzzle piece we had been looking for the other day and she jumped up with a huge smile on her face and yelled: "I found it!"

What has really thrown me for a loop is her sudden emotional maturity. It scares me to death to see my little girl struggle with complex feelings. It must be even scarier for her since I don't think she understands what or why she is feeling certain things and she has a hard time expressing this to me.

After her evening bath Marianna and I play a quick game of make believe to make the transition to bedtime smoother. When she is done I have her climb out of the tub and I wrap her up in a towel and tell her she is a caterpillar in her cocoon. When we get to bed she wiggles out of the towel cocoon and becomes a butterfly. Last night she refused to wiggle out of the cocoon and when I tried to unwrap her to put on her pjs she said "no butterflies fly away." Thinking this to be an innocent observation I replied: "yes they do, they fly up in the sky, into the forest, far away." She burst into tears. Confused and caught off guard I said "don't worry my little butterfly, I know you won't fly too far away, cause I'll miss you." This really sent her into an uncontrollable fit of tears. She jumped into my arms and cried inconsolably. Repeating over and over "no fly away, no fly away." When I finally got her to calm down I tried to ask her what was wrong but she just stared at me. I could almost see her searching for words but I don't think she had them. It was so painful to watch. I ended up holding her hand until she fell asleep.

I also cried that night. Torn by the experience. On the one hand as someone who has always been fascinated by the depth of human emotion and for this reason loves to work with actors helping them explore and expose true emotion for the entrainment of others. I couldn't help but be proud of my little girl who was starting to develop herself into what I believe makes us human. On the other hand it was sad to see her innocents being stripped away. Up until recently she viewed the world so simply. Based on primal survival needs. I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm in pain. There was something so beautiful about living that way. I wish I could recall that from my own childhood. Now as an adult I often feel bogged down by my own emotions. If only I could just live like a child for one day and not have to deal with things like guilt, envy, pride...

Unlike the frustration she felt when she was learning to walk or talk I know that I cannot be comforted by knowing that this is only a stage and soon she will master those skills and all the frustration will go away. With this new stage I know too well that this is only the beginning of her journey of self exploration and she may never truly understand her feelings.

I guess much like watching a caterpillar transform into a butterfly I just have to sit back and marvel at the miracle of growth and change. But like Marianna I just can't help feel sad when I realize that one day all little butterflies have to fly away.

Thailand 2010

2010-10-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

It rained in Los Angeles yesterday. It inspired me to finally edit together some of the videos we took in Thailand. It was our second annual family vacation and we can't wait for next year when we travel for the first time with our complete family.

Disclaimer: My mom curses in the very last clip of this video.

Short & Fat

2010-09-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

We met with our new pediatrician the othe day. I was happy to find she was a woman. I don't necessarily prefer women doctors and I didn't ask for one when I called to make our first appointment at Gelendale Pediatrics but when she walked in it made a good first impression.

Marianna has had a female pediatrician since the day she was born and having grown up in Cyprus where doctor's are prodominantly male I remember thinking it would be nice that Marianna's first impression of a doctor would be of a female physician.

Aside from that she was also very sweet, approachable and informative and her mellow bedside manner came in handy when she broke the news that she was concerned about Marianna's small stature.

This is not the first time Marianna's "abnormal" weight and height has set off alarm bells in the doctor's office. Our last pediatircian recently ran a Celiac test to determin if Marianna had a gluten intolerence which often results in stunted growth. It came back negative. She said that all we could do is monitor her growth and as long as she kept growing at the same velocity it didn't matter if she fell way below the standard growth charts. She is currently 20 pounds and 31inces tall.

However at this check up she did not seem to be growing at an "acceptable" velocity. The chart showed a dip in her height that concerned our new doctor. She explained that it could be a growth hormone deficiency or a problem with her thyroid and would like to run some blood work to check for these. She said she is pretty sure that it is not a thyroid problem as she has none of the other symptoms that come along with this. She also wanted to run a bone scan to see the growth and health of her bones. Although in my heart I truly feel that she is just a small kid, I can't help but worry. If the results come back to show a hormone deficiency the treatments are controversial and the few people that I know who have under gone them as children said the side effects were not worth the results. So what do I do?

I think what bothers me most about this ongoing concern is that all the doctors are ignoring her genetic make-up. William and I may be average height but her great grandmother Chiyoko is under 5 feet tall. My mother and grandfather are also barely 5 feet so petiteness runs in the family. Until the results come back I just have to find comfort in the fact that she eats well, she is healthy and bright. So what if she's a shorty!?

The child growing in my womb is another story. This pregnancy has definitely been a challenging one. My body just has not been up for it and as I turn the last bend and I have the finish line in my sights I find myself struggling more then ever.

I think the biggest medical obstacle was being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. It came as a big surprise as I do not seem to fit the criteria. It does not run in my family, I was not overweight prior to pregnancy, I did not have a large first baby (she was only 6 pounds 11 oz) and according to the last ultrasound and the size of my belly, this baby also seems to be small. I often get angry when I think of all this. Especially after pricking myself to test my sugar levels for the seventh time that day!

It is exhausting to be running after a toddler all day with nothing to look forward to but a couple of carrot sticks. One of the best things about pregnancy is being able to eat what you want guilt free. Now I eat more frugally then I did prior to pregnancy and I am so damn hungry! Despite this I was able to manage my blood sugar levels very well by adjusting my diet until last week they just spiked out of control. Because gestational diabetes is a result of pregnancy hormones messing with your pancreas, it can be much more unpredictable then any other type of diabetes. So my only options were to eliminate all carbs and sugars from my diet or take a small dose of medication to control my blood-sugar levels. I have until Tuesday to make this decision and I am struggling with it.

If I take the first option I am left with a pathetic diet consisting of tons of proteins and very little energy promoting foods. Not a comforting way to imagine taking on the last leg of this 9 month work out. If I take the second option I am adding medication to the mix which I have always been opposed to. The doctor explained that this late in my pregnancy there will be zero side effect to me or the baby either route I take. It is just a matter of making my life easier. I don't know what to do.

On the bright side the doctor explained that the major risks of gestational diabetes is that the baby grows too large to allow for a vaginal birth. He was confident just looking at me that that would not be a problem and that I could rest assured that I could give birth naturally with the assistance of a midwife. The second major risk is that the placenta ages to quickly resulting in premature labor. At this point if I were to go into labor tomorrow the baby could be born with very few complications and worse case scenario she would have to spend one night in the NICU for monitoring. So despite what I decide to do, this little "fatty" should be just fine.

2 years later

2010-09-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

Marianna doesn't ask for much so I was truly surprised when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday this year she answered confidently: a puppy and a piano. Although she didn't get a grand piano or a Labrador she was excited to open her red toy piano and stuffed puppy dog.

She was also thrilled with her choo choo train cake (especiallythe frosting). I'm glad it was appreciated, it only took 6 hours to make, from scratch!

However no present or dessert could top the pony rides. We held Marianna's Wild West themed 2nd birthday party at Griffith Park's pony and train ride area. Dressed in a cowboy hat and custom made red cowgirl boots she saddled her miniature pony like a pro and took off into the sunset.

Surrounded by friends, family and good food we celebrated our baby's 2nd year with style.

John Wayne would be proud.

Catching Up

2010-08-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It has been forever. I have so much catching up to do especially now that our friends and family in New York will be depending on this blog to keep up to date with the Voutouvans West Coast Adventures. I like the pressure. I think part of me getting lazy about writing was that it seemed like only my mom and mother in law read this blog. It was just easier to call them on the phone and let them know what we are doing. However as the due date approaches and Marianna turns into a two year old I have a lot more to report.

Here is a list of blog entries I plan to write in the next month. Stay tuned.

1. Our trip to Thailand

2. Our new apartment and life in LA

3. Marianna's 2nd Birthday Party

4. My 2nd pregnancy. It's been a difficult one!

Okay now that I put it out there - I have to deliver. It's coming, I promise.

Go West!

2010-07-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

So we've packed up our vagabond shoes along with 9 years of other stuff and will be putting them on the stoop for sale. After living in New York for almost a decade I thought I would have more to cry over but as I box up my prized belongings I realize that I am taking with me the two most precious gifts that this city has given me - my husband and daughter.

When I arrived in the Big Apple with nothing but a suitcase and a dream I never thought I would be leaving so many year later with a degree, 4 years of work experience, happily married with a toddler and another one on the way. I guess I can say I have 'made it here', so I can make it anywhere. Hollywood here I come.
Although I will be arriving in Los Angeles with a lot more baggage I don't feel weighed down by the decision to settle down. I have changed so much since I have become a parent and I have this strange need to lay down roots. I have never felt this way before. Always moving from country to country, job to job, apartment to apartment. This city was made for that kind of living and I got swept up in it. Until I met Marianna Chiyoko Evans. She grounded me. It was like the world stood still when I laid eyes on her. Even now I seem to exist within her bubble and although there is a noisy, busy city going on around us I am so lost in her that it doesn't matter what is surrounding us. It seems like this would scare me. Being so consumed by someone. 10 years ago I may have cringed at the thought, but now I feel so comfortable within this nucleus that I have created that we could live pretty much anywhere and I would be happy.
This summer was proof of that. William, Marianna and I traveled thousands of miles away from "home" and lived out of one suitcase for almost two months and we were happy. All the comforts of the day to day that I thought I could not live without went unnoticed. Marianna never once asked for the toys, books, and crib she left behind. No cell phone, television, internet. No organic blueberry muffins or decaf lattes. No music classes or play dates. Just us.

Family photo in Thailand

So after returning to our Brooklyn apartment my life here seemed so cluttered. It felt like all these things that we have here that were meant to make us happy by making our lives easier were just getting in the way. Our beautiful two bedroom apartment became dark and cold when Marianna would ask to go visit Yiayia and Granny. Living a block from the movie theater use to seem like the best thing to ever happen to us until we realized we had seen more movies in the 5 weeks we were in LA then we had seen since we moved here 2 years ago.

So at the end of the month we'll head West with only a 7 foot truck full of things and a dream. I'm realistic enough to know that we'll eventually start to collect more stuff and clutter our lives. But I hope my time in New York City will have taught me that your location is not what matters but the people that surround you.

Sister, sister

2010-06-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Her highschool yearbook photo

After weeks of searching for an Imagining Center that we could get an ultrasound at in such short notice and that would take our insurance, we found a small place in Fullerton. It was not my first choice. I was hoping to go to a big hospital that might have a 3D imaging machine, but most of the hospitals in LA didn't have an appointment available in June or would not take our insurance, so we had to settle.

I was a little nervous when the friendly receptionist led us to a back office that looked like it was better suited to sell real estate out of, not to have an ultrasound in. The machine was old but the technician/doctor was very nice. He spent some time photographing my lower abdomen and then explained that we was concerned that my placenta was too low and that I may have to return for another ultrasound in 6 weeks to make sure I did not have a case of placenta previa. This is when your placenta is covering the birth canal making it impossible for your baby to be born naturally.

Despite this scary news he was able to confirm that the size of the baby was normal and the brain and heart looked healthy. He also was able to tell us that "we were looking at another girl" and although he could not be certain (they never are) at this stage of the pregnancy (I'm 20 weeks) he usually would be able to see a pee pee if one was available for viewing.

Finally he sent me to the bathroom to 'release' and went down for one last look at my placenta and was pleased to inform us that although low he saw no sign of placenta previa and that he was confident my midwife would agree that I would not need another ultrasound. I was relieved but slightly disappointed that I would not be able to have another glimpse at my baby girl until I was holding her in my arms.

Just in case you were wondering...

2010-04-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

So here is a run down of what has been happening in the last 12 weeks.

After missing my period I went to see my midwife, Chris. As some of you may remember she had been my midwife for most of my prenatal care but decided to take a vacation the weekend I gave birth to Marianna. Her colleague Georgia Rose came to our rescue and her sweet southern charm and no nonsense approach was one of the factors that made my labor and delivery a happy one.

Despite this I had no doubt that I would return to Chris for this pregnancy as long as she would promise to have a clear schedule on and around October 28th. She might have missed the most important day of my life but she was an awesome midwife who took care of me and fetal Marianna for 6 months. She also has an office 3 blocks from my house and offers house calls if need be.

Chris was delighted when I asked her to join us on this journey but had bad news that really had me up a couple of nights trying to figure out what to do. Chris was originally affiliated with St Luke's Hospital in Manhattan. This is a prestigious hospital in the city with a beautiful birthing center and one of the countries top NICU. We had such a great experience there the first time I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. However I was prepared to keep an open mind and visit St. Vincent's, the hospital that Chris was now working out of. But before I even called to schedule a tour appointment news spread that St. Vincent's was hit with a massive malpractice suit and was closing its doors forever.

Chris tried to convince us to have a home birth and although we gave the idea great consideration it just didn't seem plausible with Marianna around. We plan to have my mother-in-law here in late October but she would not have anywhere to take Marianna while I was in labor.

So I had to say goodbye to Chris and begin my search for a new midwife. William immediately suggested Georgia as she still worked out of St. Luke's. Although I agreed that she was (and would be) a fantastic replacement, I could not stand the though of the 45 minute trek into her Manhattan office on the upper west side. Especially when it involved a very pregnant me, a very crowded subway and a very active toddler.

So reluctantly I made an appointment to meet with her just to see if I could make it work. Two days before my appointment I got a horrible stomach virus and called to cancel. Her receptionist had her call me back and although I was not yet her patient she spent 15 minutes on the phone with me giving me advice on how to stay healthy through my illness. She even called me the next day to check in and see how I was feeling. It sealed the deal.

So four weeks ago Marianna and I boarded the A train uptown to visit our new midwife. I must say it was a lot less painful then I had imagined. Marianna was well behaved the whole time and was rewarded with a trip to the Natural History Museum (located just a few blocks from Georgia's office). We even got to hear the baby's heart beat which is rare at only 8 weeks!

I am confident we have made the right decision returning to the birthing center even if a new midwife is in charge of my pre-natal care. I look forward to telling both my children that they were both delivered by the same lady in the hospital where John Lennon passed away.

So that's the story so far. Our ultrasound went well and we have our next pre-natal appointment on Tuesday.

Stay tuned...

Plans

2010-04-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Plan A
We had been talking about having another baby, but we decided to put those plans on hold until later in the year, as William just found out that his show was picked up for another season and we would be spending yet another year in New York City. I was dead set on not having to lug a double stroller, an over sized diaper bag and two kids down apartment steps and through this narrow city. So although I was bitten by the baby bug I was convinced to be patient and to wait until the "time was right."

Plan B
Due October 28th 2010

Baboons

2010-03-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

No animals were hurt in the making of this video.

Preschool

2010-03-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

Class photo
Students: Lola, Mason, Marianna & Henry

I was horrified to discover that preschools in Park Slope cost between $1500 - $200o a month for a part-time morning program that usually runs 3 days a week for 3 hours. The price alone was enough to give up on the idea but then I found out that most of the preschools have a year waitlist! So we really had no choice even if we could afford to send Marianna to one.

I was very disappointed by this because although I was not planning to go back to work I was really looking forward to Marianna starting a drop-off program in the Fall. I really feel strongly about her learning to interact with other children her age, being disciplined by other adults and learning to spend time away from me. She is also becoming more independent and I wanted to encourage this behavior.

After voicing my disappointment around the neighborhood I gathered a group of like-minded mamas and we decide to do something about it. We started our very own preschool co-op.

We meet twice a week at a space we rent from a local artist studio center. There are currently four 18 month olds in the class. From now until May we plan on having all the mothers stay for the 3 hour class, so the kids can get to know all of us. We then hope that we can gradually take turns leaving. Eventually, our goal is to hire a teacher and by the Fall be able to leave the children in her care.

This was our first week. We met on Monday and Friday from 9am-12pm. We came up with a schedule in which we broke up the 3 hours into 15 minute activities, this helped the kids stay focused. We had storytime, art, music, open play and snacks. I was impressed at how quickly the time passed. It was a lot of fun.

Making modern art

In the end it will cost us a fraction of the cost of a regular preschool and already we have had several parents approach us who are interested in joining their children. By September we might need to have a waitlist.

Learning to share

I Pee on the Potty

2010-02-18T09:24:00.001-08:00

Doing business while doing her business

Yup you heard correctly Marianna pees (and poops) on her potty. It is really difficult to write this blog entry without sounding like I'm bragging but I am so proud and amazed at my little smarty pants. Or should I say smarty no pants. She'll only go if she is wearing no pants and no diaper...but we are working on that.

Like most of Marianna's milestones it happened so suddenly. I always think to myself I'll slowly try this out and see how it goes, but before I can even come up with a plan she is jumping right in. It was like that for sleeping and weaning. I should have seen it coming.

So here is the story. Last month Marianna had become interested in watching us go to the toilet. She would like to flush for us and hand us toilet paper. So I decided to put her potty next to our toilet and have her sit on it (fully clothed) whenever we would go. I would hand her toilet paper and she would pretend to wipe and wash her hands. Excited by this new found interest I decided to start doing some research on early potty training (18 months and under). With the exception of Elimination Communication, even the most hard core parents recommended to wait until at least 18 months to start training because a child has more sophisticate communication skills and a better understanding of their bodily functions then. As Marianna was only a month shy of that I decided to take the month of February to come up with a plan.

I liked one method in particular called Potty Boot Camp. The method seemed laid back to start and as the child gained confidence the training became more focused, ending with a weekend potty boot camp where they give up diapers forever. The point of this method is to start it off as a game with rewards and if the child becomes irritated to stop until they became comfortable with the process. It also recommended to teach your child to let you know when they have peed or pooped in their diaper prior to starting the "training". Marianna had been doing this for a long time so we were one step ahead of the game.

Since the method seemed so laid back I decided to not wait and go ahead with it. We had a bad snow storm hit us and we were stuck inside a lot so I thought this might be a fun new activity to do.

I began by letting Marianna run around bottomless. Every 15 minutes I would have her sit on the potty and we would sing songs, read books and listen to music. The point of this is that they will end up peeing on the potty by mistake and then you give them a reward and they will eventually return to the potty when they need to go because they enjoy the positive feedback. The method said at first you should never force them to sit on the potty and let them get up as soon as they get irritated. For most kids this would be a matter of minutes. Marianna on the other hand ended up sitting on the potty for 45 minutes at a time. I never forced her. I even asked her a couple of times if she wanted to get up but she always seemed happy to do it. This kept accidents to a minimum. On the first day she had only one accident and was so disappointed in herself that she sat in a corner with her head down. I was so distraught by the sight of this I almost quit then and there but before I could pick her up, give her a hug and put on her diaper, she went running over to the potty, took a seat and peed, all on her own. On her first day!

It has been two weeks now and every time we are at home I take off her diaper and she pees and poops on the potty. If she is wearing a diaper she often tells me that she has to go but most of the time she doesn't bother. When we are out I'll see her stop and pat her bottom when she is going but will continue playing moments later.

Although I would not call her potty trained she is definitely only a small step away. I would like to move on with the process by purchasing her a portable potty to take with us when we go out and little undies. I had to search for hours online to find undies in her size. The ones I ended up ordering were an xxxs from an Elimination Communication sight and even those are too big on her. She only weighs 17 pounds.

I'm still so impressed by her new found skill and nothing makes me happier then the smile on her face when she places her reward sticker on her potty and claps.

Miscommunication

2010-02-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

Hi, bye, up, down, open, mam (eat), nani (sleep), eye, ball, help, daddy, teeth, one, pappou (grandpa), poutoui (lady parts), poop, baby, shoes, bear, nose, pop, more, NO, oh-oh, juice, two, blue (blueberries) and mommy.

There are all the words Marianna has said, in the order she has said them. Some she uses more then others (she has only said mommy once). Some only I understand. Some took me awhile to understand. Some I wish I didn't understand. Like more and no. More music, more blueberries, more piggy back rides, more, more, more. For the longest time I thought she was saying 'moo'. So I would sing Old McDonald Had a Farm. Poor thing had to endure hours of mommy singing when all she wanted was another cookie. We decided to introduce some more sign language to help avoid miscommunication and ease some of the frustration she must feel when I don't know what she wants from me. She picks up the signs almost instantly which is incredible because when we first began to teach her signs it would take 3- 6 months for her to use them.

Unfortunately there is not a sign for everything and the level of frustration for both of us has risen lately as she struggles to talk. I know she really wants to. I want her to too.

But then she said I love you and it made all the frustration go away.

Slippers

2010-01-16T16:54:00.000-08:00

12 Days of Christmas

2010-01-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

William had two weeks off for the holidays and we decided to stay local this year. We had a wonderful time being tourists in our very own city.

1. We took Marianna to Macy's Santaland. It was an impressive display of dancing bears, toy soldiers and trains. Friendly (and a little scary) Elves lead us to Santa's cabin to get our photo taken. Last year's visit to Santa was at the Buena Park Mall and Mr Clause looked like he had spent too much time at the tanning salon and although I appreciated the real beard it would have been nice if he had dyed it white for the occasion. This year's Santa was impressive and he was seated against a vintage style wood backdrop which made for a nice photo.

2. We picked out a Christmas tree and decorated it.
3. We made Christmas cookies.

4. We started a new music class which Marianna loves. I am excited because it is around the corner from our building, which beats the 10 block walk we use to have to make to get to our last class. This class is also very interactive and we get to dance with scarves and play instruments.

5. We went to the Brooklyn Children's Museum. There was a child size replica of a Brooklyn neighborhood with a supermarket, Mexican bakery, pizzeria and travel agency.6. We attempted to play in this winter's first snow but Marianna whined the whole time. It has snowed again since then and whenever I point out the window at it, Marianna winces and says oh-no-no-no.
7. We went to the Natural History Museum. Despite the 45 minute wait on line, in 22 degrees and windy weather, this was a huge hit. Unlike the Zoo, Marianna loved that the animals did not move and she could stand at the glass and stare at them. She spent 10 minutes in front of a Water Buffalo display, clapping and saying "moooooo".
8. We went to the Times Square's Toys R US, Grand Central Station, Bryant Park and to the Rockefeller Christmas Tree. Yes, all in one day!!! It was insane but we had a great day.
9. We opened presents on Christmas morning and Skyped with our families who showered us all with lovely gifts.
10- 12. We spent 3 days at home enjoying each others company. Marianna did get antsy and try to leave but we convinced her to stay.

Thank you

2009-12-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day in 15 months that I have not breastfed Marianna!

Marianna weaned herself down to 3 feedings a day soon after her first birthday. They pretty much coincided with her sleep schedule with the exception of her morning feeding which was just my way of keeping her in bed with me for another 30 minutes.

When we moved her into her own room I decided to drop the morning feeding as by the time I answered her morning cries, walked her to our room and got back into bed, we were both fully awake. So by the beginning of last month we were down to two feedings. Out of curiosity two weeks ago I decided to not offer her my breast during nap time. If I caught her before she got over tired it went pretty well and for the last 7 days we were comfortably down to one bedtime feeding.

Since William has been off of work, I would breastfeed and read her a book and he would finish the bedtime routine by singing her a lullaby and rocking her before putting her down. So tonight I thought that since it has been going so well I would offer her a cup of warm milk while I read to her and see how it goes. I was fully prepared to breastfeed if she demanded it and that is what I expected to happen.

I must admit I felt hurt when she happily slurped down her milk while we read books. She never once tugged on my shirt or even mentioned nan-e nan-e (what she calls nursing).

I wasn't expecting this to happen so quickly. I feel like we never had a proper goodbye. I wish I looked down at her longer the last time I held her. I wish I stroked her hair. I wish I pulled her closer and whispered, thank you.

Thank you my dear Marianna for taking to me so effortlessly 15 minutes after you were born. Thank you for the many hours that you spent in my arms nursing, discovering my face, pulling at my hair, my nose, my lips. Thank you for your little hands so soft as they tickled my neck. Thank for only biting twice. Thank you for the morning cuddles. Thank you for looking so beautiful in the moonlight. Thank you for that satisfied look after a long feeding, when you would sit up, look me in the eyes and smile as if saying: Thank you, mommy.

Ladies Night

2009-12-07T10:58:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine was directing a play in the city and invited me to the performance this past Saturday. It has been a long time since I have been out of Brooklyn and the prospect of putting on make-up terrified me. However William offered to stay home with Marianna and since we have begun weaning I thought this would be a great opportunity to try dropping the night feeding. So I called up my girlfriends and decided to venture out of the house after 8pm!

Getting dressed was a nightmare. I realized that I had not taken off my sweatpants in over a week. I spent 20 minutes just staring into the black hole that is my closet. I haven't bought something new in the past year and all my outfits have been oddly stretched as I wore most them through my pregnancy. Thank God for the return of the chunky belt. I threw one over a maternity dress and headed over to hair and make-up.

Marianna LOVES pimples. Every so often one will appear on my chin and it is like Christmas morning. All day she likes to point it out. Sometimes she will ask to be picked up just to be near it. Well, that evening I happened to be sporting a brand new pimple and as I struggled to hide it under layers of concealer, Marianna cried and pulled at my leg. It was as if I was putting away her favorite toy before she had a chance to play with it.

Saying goodbye to her was not difficult. She looked so happy playing with her Daddy. I always enjoy giving them some alone time together (and giving myself a break.)

I must admit I did get a rush as I ran for the subway and slid between the closing F train doors. When I ride the train with Marianna it is a juggling act. I often miss two trains before I get the packed stroller through the turn stiles and down two sets of stairs to the platform. As I sat alone in the subway car all I could do was wonder what she was doing now. Are they putting on PJs? Have they started reading books?

I later found out bedtime was a mess. She screamed and reached for the door until she passed out exhausted from crying.

Meanwhile in the city I was sipping wine and chatting to the cast, at the theater company's after party. It was surprising how easily my brain was able to switch back to adult mode. I don't remember the last time I had a conversation with a stranger. I was also surprised at how awake I was at 11:30pm. I am usually in bed by ten. I think it was the buzz of the city keeping me going. The clink of martini glasses. The yuppies at the bar laughing loudly. The sexy bartender flirting for tips. The young, the single, he child-less.

At one point I sat next to a couple of NYU students at the bar. One of them looked at her cell phone and said she would have one more drink and go. She had to wake up early tomorrow, she had a 1pm brunch date. It made me nostalgic for a time when 10am was considered waking up early. I remember the sunlight hitting my face in the morning and putting a pillow over it so I could sleep a couple more hours. I remember struggling to get William out of bed before noon.

It is noon now as I write this post. I was woken up by Marianna's screams at 5am this morning. The sun was nowhere to be seen. Since then we have had breakfast and lunch, been to the park, laundry mat and grocery store, had a play date and she is now asleep on my chest.

I bet that NYU student is still in bed.

Thankful

2009-11-27T08:56:00.001-08:00

Marianna woke up with a big smile at 6am. We read books, ate breakfast and went for a morning stroll before heading home to begin our dinner prep.

After playing quietly with her toys while we watched the Thanksgiving Day parade, Marianna walked over to me, raised her arms and sang her sleepy time song (nan-e, nan-e). I took her to her bedroom where she fell asleep in 5 minutes and napped for over an hour.

Dinner preparation was in full swing while she gobbled down a whole piece of left over lasagna for lunch (she has not eaten more then a couple of bites of anything in the last 4 weeks).

The sun was shining and the house was hot from all the cooking so we decided to head into the park for an hour while William put the finishing touches on dinner. We gathered leaves and pine cones to decorate our holiday table.

Dinner was a gourmet master piece and Marianna agreed. She couldn't have picked a better day to get her appetite back. The three of us lounged around the living room, eating, reading books, singing songs and playing peek-a-boo.

Bedtime was a breeze, leaving William and I with a quiet evening. We finished our wine and watched Home Alone with a plate full of pie.

I am so thankful.

Marianna entertaining us after dinner.

Still Sick

2009-11-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

An hour after I posted the "Sickness Update" (see below) our babysitter arrived to watch sleeping Marianna while I took Birthday boy William out for dinner and a movie. I had to pop a couple of pain killers to mask the shoulder pain but couldn't resist a glass of Pinot Noir with my perfectly cooked duck. So when I started feeling woozy while we waited for the check I just blamed it on mixing pills with alcohol. I was thankful when William suggested we skip the movie as he was settling into a food coma after devouring too much lamb and chocolate cake.

I started to freak out when I got into bed that night and was shivering uncontrollably. For some reason I was convinced I was overdosing on a couple of Tylenol and a class of wine. 'Isn't that what killed Heath Ledger?' I remember asking William as he checked my temperature. 102 degrees.

It was all down hill from there. I spent all of Sunday unable to get out of bed. My temperature never dropped below 100 degrees. Thankfully Marianna was in a great mood and the weather was beautiful so William was able to entertain her all day. She did come over to the bed a couple of times, raise her arms and say "UP." Heartbreaking.

Monday, William took the morning off but had to go into work for a couple of hours to finish up an equipment check out. I was still feeling pretty crappy, all my symptoms felt flu-like, so I asked my babysitter (and friend) Meghan to come over and take Marianna to the park for a couple of hours and then to her music class so I could continue to rest. I knew William had a tough week starting Tuesday and taking anymore time off would be impossible since he had already missed so many days from the food poisoning ordeal.

William was home in time for dinner and bed-time and I was feeling much better. Sadly Marianna was not. She spiked a 102 fever at 6pm that evening and has been suffering ever since.

William insisted on taking today off and we spent the day caring for our sick little trooper. She managed to smile a few times and offered a game of peek-a-boo. You couldn't have paid me to pop out from behind my hands yesterday, so I was thoroughly impressed.

Apart from a dry cough I feel better. Marianna went to bed at 6pm this evening and hopefully the Motrin will help her get through the night. I'll update soon on her progress. Hopefully this is the end of our 3 weeks of bad luck.

Sickness Update

2009-11-14T07:22:00.000-08:00

William has had a few easy days at work where he has been leaving home at 8am and returning at 5pm. So he has been around for breakfast and dinner which has been a real treat. He is feeling better and has been a huge help during bedtime and the couple of times Marianna has woken up in the night. She is definately sleeping better but her cold has moved into her lungs and in the last couple of days she has developed a worrisome cough. I'm planning a sick visit to to our Pediatrician on Monday if it does not get better before then.

My cold has cleared up but I continue to have back, shoulder and neck pain on the left side of my body. I can get through most of the day but it gets worse in the evening. I manage it with pain killers or wine. I know I should see a doctor about it but after having similar pain problems in my wrists, I'm dreading the run around. I'll probably have to do a bunch of stupid tests, see a variety of specialists and the outcome will be that I just need to rest, which is obviously impossible.

This too shall pass...

Sick and Tired

2009-11-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

Food poisoning: Monday, night I put Marianna to bed and then vomited 8 times. I found her the next morning laying in her own puke. She was smiling. William took the day off to take care of us but spent the day with his face in the toilet.

A cold with flu-like symptoms: Wednesday, Marianna woke up congested. I woke up with a fever. Still not fully recovered from the poisoning we barely made it through the week. Exhausted.

Molars: The following week, Marianna refused to eat, refused to sleep and whined constantly. I forgot to eat, wanted to sleep and whined constantly. The pediatrician pointed out her swollen gums and I picked up a bottle of Motrin.

By Saturday we were all feeling better. We spent the day enjoying each others company and napping. Just what we needed after a tough 2 weeks.

A pulled muscle: Sunday (today), I suddenly lost the ability to use my left arm. I can't move my neck and my shoulder muscle is swollen.

Ahhh come on! Give me a break.

Happy Halloween 2009

2009-10-31T19:45:00.001-07:00

I was afraid after we all got food poisoning from a batch of tainted sushi on Monday that Halloween would be a bust. We barely recovered in time to rush out and buy supplies to put our family costume together. This year we went as King Kong (Marianna), The Empire State Building (William) and damsel in distress - Ann Darrow (me).

Despite having only four hours to pull it off it was a success. Marianna was unsure about her Gorilla get-up at first but got into it as soon as we hit the Brooklyn streets and joined the Park Slope Halloween parade.

It was a gorgeous evening. 70 degrees and clear. The street lamps were glowing and candy was flowing. We could not have asked for a more perfect night to celebrate all things spooky.

We ended the evening with our favorite treat, Pizza. Check out more photos from our fun evening at flickr.

Pooh on the Potty

2009-10-20T11:18:00.000-07:00

So I have started doing some elimination communication with Marianna. This basically means I pay attention to the signs she gives before she poops and then I react to them. The last couple of months her signs have become more and more obvious and she seems to be more aware of her bodily functions so when I'm feeling a little adventurous I take off her diaper and place her on the potty when I think she is about to poop. The first day I did this she actually did her business on the potty and was rewarded with applause and kisses. She got a real kick out of going to the bathroom and waving goodbye to her poop as we flushed it down the toilet. Unfortunately from that day on we have had nothing but wet puddles all over the house. That being said she does pat her butt when I ask her if she has pooped and if she happens to be in the bathroom when I am peeing she will applaud and wave goodbye when I flush. However I have decided to put potty training aside for now and have moved on down the list of things I would like to teach Marianna to do.

Things I would like Marianna to learn to do before she is two

Potty train
Be put to bed by someone else other than myself
Sleep in her own room
Take naps without nursing to sleep
Sleep in her stroller

Day Flight

2009-10-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry I thought I posted this a week ago but when I checked the blog today it was not there.

We embarked on our Cyprus airways flight via Rome at 9:15am. Still a little foggy after a teary goodbye I almost left the diaper bag at the security check point. Marianna was due for her morning nap and I was thankful she passed out as I nursed her through take off. I usually stay awake for at least an hour into a flight no matter how tired I am. I am embarrassed to admit that I think that I need to remain completely alert during this formidable part of the trip as I believe I am controlling the fate of my flight through positive thoughts. However, sitting directly across the aisle was a nun. From the minute she took her seat she remained head bowed, hands clutching a rosary, furiously mouthing a silent prayer. Excellent, I thought to myself...she's got us covered. So I reclined my seat, skipped breakfast and joined Marianna in dreamland.

We spent our 2 1/2 hour lay over browsing the duty free stores in the Leonardo da Vinci - Fiumicino airport. I picked up a bottle of Italian red wine and then headed to check in. I was at first denied a bulk head seat and was instead placed in the middle of the aircraft. After a passionate debate at the gate I was moved to a bulk head seat. Unfortunately, the flight attendent was then left to deal with an angry southern couple who were furious that they were being moved to accommodate me.

The nine hour afternoon flight was packed full of Carnival cruise line passengers who were returning from a 7 day cruise around the Mediterranean. I was not expecting to get any sleep but all hope was lost when after take off the aircraft turned into a loud lounge area. People were hanging out in the aisles or laying over the backs of seats and chatting loudly to their neighbors.
I was sitting between two middle aged ladies. The one to the the right of me was also on the cruise and was enthusiastic to tell me about the most amazing meatballs she had ever eaten and her dream of visiting Morocco. The one to my left did not speak a word of English and spent the majority of the flight talking and singing to Marianna in Italian.

I was thankful that they both were very nice and patient during the 15 minutes of fussing that Marianna did before she fell asleep. Apart from that she was great. She played with her books and toys on the floor in front of me and slept a total of 4 hours of the trip.

All in all Marianna and I traveled well together. She was such a good sport and she kept me focused so I was a better flier. Now that we are back at home we are dealing with jet lag so we are both very tired and cranky.

Night Flight

2009-09-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Breakfast in New York, lunch in Milan, dinner in Cyprus

I could not have asked for a better first leg of the trip. Apart for having to say goodbye to William at the airport we made it all the way to Cyprus without a tear shed.

We flew Alitalia from JFK to Milan and we requested a bulk head seat and despite the full flight we were given the full row to ourselves. Marianna fell asleep 10 minutes before takeoff and woke up 20 minutes before landing. She even allowed me to lay her down in one of the empty seats so I had room to stretch out. Ironically in the row next to us a woman was traveling alone with a 13 month year old who cried non-stop for 8 hours keeping everyone on the plane awake, except for Marianna.

Our layover in Milan was thankfully uneventful even though we had to go through security and recheck in. We spent our 4 hours lounging in a cafe eating croissants stuffed with orange marmalade and sipping a cappuccino. Marianna made friends with a German fashion designer who was in town shooting a spread for Vogue.

Our 3 hour flight to Cyprus was a breeze as the flight attendants whisked her off from time to time to play in the back cabin. They even offered to change her diaper when she pooped. I declined but I appreciated the offer. I bet they don't get that in First Class.

32 hours of travel. 2 lay-over, 4 airports and a baby

2009-09-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

Breaking news from the Voutouvans. Marianna and I will be taking a last minute trip to Cyprus. We leave on Tuesday evening and return October 3rd. All is well at home, it is just an unexpected family situation that involves my grandparents selling property that is in my name and therefore I need to be there to deal with the paperwork.

Since William cannot take time off of work, we will be braving the long trip alone. This might not seem like a big deal to some of you and I know a couple of you are rolling your eyes and tutting at how dramatic I'm being. You are obviously the lucky few who have never had to travel with me (or even just see me through packing and check in).

Those of you who have had the 'pleasure' of my company during airplane travel - pull out your prayer beads cause I'm doing it again. This time with a child.

Apart from the fact that I am terrified of flying and usually need to be sedated during take off and landing, I also am very absent minded and have trouble keeping my travel documents together. I blame it on pockets. Hand luggage has way too many pockets. So do diaper bags and those fancy travel purses. I purchased one last time I flew thinking it would make my life easier but it did not. I would spend 20 minutes at every security check point furiously emptying pockets in search of my passport or boarding pass. When William is with me I just hand him everything and he handles it so we can make it through security with out any panic attacks.

I envy those business men with their pressed suit jackets. You know the kind with the magical liner? I always see them float through security. They just reach into the inside of their jacket and every thing they need appears. It's like all they have to do is think 'passport' reach in and the jacket does the rest.

I have considered purchasing one but 1. I would probably look silly wearing it and 2. I would end up leaving it on what most people think of as 'that handy hook' on the back of the bathroom stall. I think of it as the airport black hole. I have had many Home Alone moments on airplanes when I suddenly remember that damn hook, clutch both cheeks and scream "my purse!"or "my duty free shopping!"

They now have these baby chairs hanging in many bathroom stalls. They are funny looking contraptions where you can strap your child in and they can sit there with their feet dangling and watch you do your business. Due to my past track record I wouldn't dare put Marianna in one of those. So I am very concerned about the whole 32 hours of no peeing.

Another concern is Marianna's new found mobility. She does not sit still. On our last flight William and I took turns walking her up and down the aisle. She loved to stop and look at interesting passengers. I was surprised at how many people choose to ignore her wave, even when she would smile and yell 'Hi'. We brought toys and books but she was not interested in anything that was not off limits. Like headphones on the head of the person sitting next to us.

The truth is I'm sure she will be okay. She travels well. She also calms me during the flight because I am so focused on her well being. I actually think the most difficult part of this 12 day getaway is not having William with us. This is the first time our family will be separated and the thought of not having him around makes me sad. We will miss him very much.

Anyways I must be off to pack too many shoes and not enough underwear but I will let you know how our first trip together went when we get there. Fingers crossed.

12 months

2009-09-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

I packed up her baby bath, put away her play gym and jumper, slid a box full of rattles and prewalker shoes under the bed.

I watched her chase after a 3 year old in the park today. She followed him up the stairs of the jungle gym and through a tunnel. She bumped her head but did not blink an eye as she stumbled across the playground.

I cut up a turkey meatball and put it on her tray. I tried to feed her a piece. She pushed my hand out of the way and then reached over and grabbed a whole meatball out of my plate and ate it.

My baby is all grown up.

This is the last monthly update. From this day forward I will keep a journal of the special moments we spend together. She is growing and changing so quickly that I want to document it more personally as I am growing and changing too.

Happy Birthday Marianna

2009-09-06T08:31:00.000-07:00

On your mark, get set, GO!

2009-08-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

After 2 weeks of practice Marianna finally got it down. She is officially a walker. She is still shaky on her feet but when she tumbles she pushes herself right up and keeps going. Well done my little one. We are so proud of you.

And on the 7th Day they rested...

2009-08-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

At first we said it was the new crib, then we blamed it on teething, then it was all the traveling but the truth is Marianna just did not know how to go to sleep on her own.

For the last 6 months we have been struggling and we finally did something about it. Last Monday we embarked on a 7 day sleep training program.

I always thought 'sleep training' was just a nicer way of saying 'cry it out'. I thought it was a concept Dr. Ferber came up with to sell books because I couldn't imagine a book entitled The Let your Baby Cry to Sleep, Sleep Solution would be flying off the shelves. I will be honest and say I cringed when the other moms in my mommy group talked about 'sleep training.' Just the thought of Marianna alone in a dark room crying for me, made me want to vomit. So 6 months ago when they all decided to support each other through the 7 day program - I opted out.

Instead we spent many sleepless nights hoping she would grow out of it. Our bedtime routine looked something like this. I would spend 1 1/2 hours rocking, nursing or just laying with her in our bed until she fell asleep. By this point I was too exhausted to do anything but veg-out in front of the T.V. Then she would wake up every 2-3 hours wanting to be nursed for 2 minutes before returning to sleep. Sometimes in the crib, sometimes in the bed, sometimes on my chest.

As she got a little older she would sleep for longer stretches in her crib about 4-5 hours but would always wake up wanting to get into bed with us. I wouldn't mind cuddling next to her for the rest of the evening but she just kept growing and getting more restless. She would toss and turn, punch and kick me. William and I were forced to share half of our Queen size bed while she rolled around on the other half.

When we returned from our vacation bedtime became a real battle. She refused to be nursed to sleep, hated the rocking chair and would begin to play whenever I laid down in bed with her. The only way I could get her to sleep would be to stand up, hold her tightly, shove my breast in her mouth and rock her furiously. I felt like a human straitjacket, it was awful.

So I bought Dr. Ferber's book Solve your Child's Sleep Problems (a catchier title) and with a heavy heart I embarked on sleep training.

Day one
Ferber:Come up with a bedtime routine and stick to it. Start the routine when your child looks sleepy. Put your child in their crib when they are sleepy but awake. Walk away. If they protest return after 10 minutes to sooth them, but do not pick them up. Continue this until they fall asleep.
Marianna: cried for 20 minutes (2 visits) before falling asleep and then woke up again at 2am cried for another 10 minutes (1 visit). Slept until 6:30am
Johanna: It was worse then labor. I felt like I was abandoning my child and I was going to cause her psychological problems.

Day two
Ferber: Extend the return time to 15 minutes.
Marianna: cried for 14 minutes and fell asleep (no visits). She slept through the night. Woke up at 6am.
Johanna: It was terrible but I left the monitor off this time and also cried it out so I couldn't hear her over my own sobs. I spent the whole night waiting for her to wake up. Was amazed that she slept through the night.

Day three
Ferber: Extend the return time to 20 minutes.
Marianna: cried for 33 minutes (1 visit) and slept through the night.
Johanna: I almost gave up and picked her up but after a phone call to William who calmed me down (I was crying so hard I threw up) he convinced me to keep going by reminding me that if I gave up now the last three days were a waste.

Day four
Ferber: Extend the return time to 30 minutes.
Marianna: cried for 8 minutes (no visits) and slept through the night.
Johanna: I am shocked. Still could not sleep well waiting for her to wake up.

Day five
Ferber: Keep the return time at 30 minutes, you should be seeing results by now.
Marianna: did not cry, she woke up at 2am and cried for 3 minutes.
Johanna: I kissed her on the forehead, said goodnight my love and she watched me go. I stood stunned in the living room, monitor pressed against my ear waiting for a cry. Nothing. I had a glass of champagne and passed out until 2am.

Day six
Ferber: Keep the return time at 30 minutes, you should be seeing results by now.
Marianna: Cried for 4 minutes (no visits) and woke up at 1am and cried for 5 minutes.
Johanna: Still can't believe I am doing this. So relieved that I am seeing results.

Day seven
Ferber: Keep the return time at 30 minutes, you should be seeing results by now.
Marianna: Did not cry and slept through the night.
Johanna: Cried from happiness. Slept through the night.

Conclusion: This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I felt guilty and selfish. Like I was torturing my child so I can rest peacefully. I was even ashamed to write this blog entry thinking that my friends would look down on me for putting Marianna through that. However since the sleep training ended, Marianna has been going to sleep with minimal to no crying. When she does cry it is more like a soft complaint. William says think of it like a two year old saying " I don't want to go to bed" when they can barely keep their eyes open.
She stays in her crib and sleeps through the night. She is happy, I am happy. This method is not for everybody but it worked for us.

The funny thing is that I still wake up every night at 12am, 2am and 4am (her old feeding schedule) and I sometimes miss her little foot rammed into my ribs. I guess I need a little sleep training myself to get through the night.

Thank you Marigold and Alicia for sending me personal emails filled with your experiences and sleep advice. Thank you Mom and Dianna for your kind words of encouragement. Also thank you to Sakura and Ruth for the sleep books. They kept me company during many sleepless nights. Last but not least, thank you William you gave me the strength I needed to get through this challenging week.

11 Months

2009-08-09T11:09:00.001-07:00

Okay I take it back last month was not impressive at all in comparison to this one.

I have a real smarty pants on my hands! She can touch her nose, eyes, mouth and hair on demand. She will bring you anything you point for and she understands several words including water, book, no, bravo (she claps when she hears this), mommy and daddy. Jeopardy here we come!

Not only is she smart she does some really cute things too. Like kissing the pictures in books and hugging her stuffed animals. Especially Whiskers her seal puppet, a gift from Jessica and Lex.

Although returning to our lonely apartment was difficult at first I have found that since we have been back our relationship has grown. We have so much fun together. I can make her giggle by putting a piece of mac-and-cheese on my nose and pretending to frantically look for my missing pasta. She can crack me up by picking up random objects like an avocado and putting it to her ear and saying "hi", mimicking me on my cellphone. We spend hours just goofing around.

I think it was all about getting back into a routine and we have come up with one we both really like:

She wakes me up between 6:30 and 7am.
We have breakfast together at 8am.
She takes a 30 - 45minute nap at 9am.
At 11am we go to Mommy & Tot yoga on Tuesdays & Fridays, Baby Boogie on Wednesday and Barnes & Nobles story time on Thursdays. Mondays are free for whatever comes up.
After lunch she takes her afternoon nap at 2pm.
We go to the playground, park or to feed the ducks in the late afternoon.
Our bedtime routine consists of dinner, a bath, reading books and then off to bed around 8pm. (We are on our last day of "sleep training" - I will post about the experience in the next couple of days).

We're like buddies now. I feel like she enjoys my company not just needs me around to take care of her. This change could not have come at a better time because I was getting a little restless at home. Before we left Cyprus I was nervous about returning to my life in New York without the company of other adults. I was even getting nostalgic for my office job, but now I'm in no hurry to get back. And although William and I have discussed him taking care of Marianna next summer so I can get involved in a project, it will take a very special job to convince me to leave this little person.

But it is not all fun and games, Marianna is still a handful. She continues to refuse to eat from a spoon so I have had to get really creative at meal times. Not only do I have to come up with tasty finger foods but also have to entertain her for long enough as she gets antsy and tries to climb out of her Bumbo. Cartoons have been a great distraction but she always wants to climb up and feed the TV, leaving our flatscreen covered in slimy fingerprints. So lately I have been bringing her books to feed.

Bath time also comes with a set of obstacles. She screams when I try to wash her hair and she always attempts to drink her bath water.

And when it is all fun and games she prefers to play with random household object. She especially likes anything with a safety hazard warning attached to it.

All in all this special year is quickly coming to an end and next month my darling will be one. We have learned so much from each other. She is graduating into toddlerhood as I have graduated into motherhood. Soon I'll no longer be carrying her through life but we'll be walking hand in hand.

First Step (and a 1/2)

2009-08-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

We have been trying to provoke an independent step for about a month now. We would offer her toys to walk towards or I would hold her and William would wait with open arms just a step or two away but she would always fall to her knees as soon as I would let go.

She has also let go of the couch or the coffee table to cruise to another piece of furniture but we did not considered this an independent step because she would only let go if she knew she had something to grab onto on the other side.

Yesterday our friend Andrew stopped by for a quick visit and Marianna was doing her usual showing off. She likes to bring things to people or scoot out of the room and then peek back inside, offering a game of peek a boo.

At one point she was sitting quietly with her penguin book while we discussed Andrew's trip to Mexico. She bent over and kissed her book so we all turned to see how cute her new trick is. Maybe she was inspired by our full attention, or the lack of pressure but she just dropped the book, stood up unsupported and took a step and then steadied herself and went for a second one, but that damn penguin book was in the way so she slipped on it and fell to her knees.

We all broke into applause and she clapped along. Then she crawled out of the room. Show over.

Reading Rainbow

2009-07-31T07:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a stormy week here in New York. Rain clouds both inside and outside the Voutounou/Evans household.

It is probably a combination of William's absence, the hour difference and gross weather but both Marianna and I have been in a funk. She has been kinda cranky and I have little patience for it. Her sleeping schedule is all over the place which has also left me exhausted.

Yesterday evening I was catching up on some emails while Marianna was playing with her Daddy. I had been looking forward to this alone time all day. So when she kept crawling over and pulling at my pant leg I got a little snippy and said to her " Just give me 5 minutes of peace and when I'm done I'll read you a book."

I was surprised when she actually crawled away. 30 seconds later William asked me to turn around. "What, now?" I snapped. I turned reluctantly to find my sweet, darling in her book corner holding up a book for me to read.

10 months

2009-07-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is the sun, or the fresh sea air but Marianna has really taken off this month. I know I say this every month but I think this one was the most impressive - honestly!

She had a major growth spurt at the beginning of the month and is finally fitting comfortable into her 6 month clothing. She is still much smaller then most babies her age but my arms and back are feeling the difference. She has the cutest little pot belly and her thighs have become chunkier. She has also grown a couple of inches and can now reach the wall hanging that is over our bed that she has been clawing at since we arrived in Cyprus.

She has also been working really hard on her top two teeth. One finally popped out yesterday and I can see why it was a struggle - it is enormous! It is double the size of her bottom teeth and thicker. I think my poor child has inherited my bunny teeth. I apologize to the future Marianna who is reading this, genes can be very mean. Actually while we are on the subject I also apologize for the little hairs growing on your knuckles. Your hairless Daddy had nothing to do with that. I take full responsibility.

Despite all these physical changes up until a couple of days ago I was convinced that her mobile development had hit a plateau. She seemed content crawling to her destination and on occasion cruising around furniture to reach an object. Whenever we would try to hold her up and walk with her she would fuss and drop to her knees. We even bought her a push toy hoping to provoke an interest in walking. She showed very little interest in it.

The other day I saw her cruise from the coffee table to the couch. I applauded her effort and she continued to do this throughout the day seeking the same reaction. This was her "AHA" moment. She is now more adventurous with her cruising and will inch across walls, cupboards and doors. She also will let go and grab onto my hand and walk with me holding her. I guess walking may be in our near future.

However our present is full of dancing. She will shake her big booty to anything. Whether it be a rendition of itsy bitsy spider, a shampoo commercial or one of the many Micheal Jackson hits that are constantly blasting from the T.V. It is the cutest thing ever.

I think the most fascinating development this month has been that she has started to mimic us. I know that everything she has learned so far has been some sort of imitation but recently she will copy us instantly. She will stick out her tongue if we stick out our tongue, she laughs when we laugh and she will wave her arms and scream when she sees my mom and grandma having a 'conversation' which sound more like an argument to the untrained ear. So no more smoking crack and bringing home prostitutes for us(just kidding).

I like to think she has learned to share from us. She happily feeds us grapes and enjoys eating more if she can shove a spoonful of mashed vegetables into our mouth. She also brings us toys but reluctantly lets us take them from her. It is more like a show and tell. 'Look mommy I have a ball.' Look Daddy I have grandma's crystal swan figurine'

See...there is just so much. I can really go on, and on - but I won't. Ok maybe I will.

Here is a list of some of our other favorite Marianna tricks.

1. Peek a boo has reached a whole new level. She also plays hide and seek.
2. She tries to climb up things but has difficulty doing so because of her height.
3. She has learned to turn herself around and slide off of couches, chairs and beds.
4. She knows how to open cupboards and has learned where we hide certain objects and will go looking for them. Her favorite is a box of jewelry in her Auntie's room.
5. She stops at doorways before disappearing out of our sight and waves goodbye.
6. She refers to me as maaaaa
7. She changes her tone to a higher pitch whenever talking to the dogs.
8. She can play independently for longer stretches but prefers our company.
9. She signs for her sippy cup and to nurse.
10. She gives slobbery kisses (mostly to her Daddy)

Postcard from the Road 3

2009-07-04T07:23:00.001-07:00

Marianna playing with sand at Konnos Beach in Ayia Napa, Cyprus.

Marianna's Baptism

2009-06-21T03:57:00.001-07:00

Marianna was baptized yesterday in a small church that is carved into a cave on the side of a mountain in the suburb of Tseri.

Our guests complained as they climbed the 95 steps to the church that is dedicated to the Virgin Mary of Chrysospiliotissa. I personally picked this church for Marianna's big day because it is one of my favorite locations in Nicosia. It is the perfect place to watch the sunset over the city and the interior is a network of tunnels that form the church. It was a tight squeeze to fit our 30 guests but it made for an intimate ceremony.

My family made a bet on the car journey to the church as to whether or not Marianna would cry during the ceremony. My dad, who was the only optimist, was feeling lucky as she giggled at the priest while he chanted hymns in ancient Greek.

She continued to smile at her audience as they all gathered around the baptismal font but things quickly took a turn for the worse when her clothing was removed and she took the plunge into Christianity.

Her cries echoed off the cave walls for the rest of the ceremony which was especially difficult for me as according to Greek Orthodox tradition I am not allowed to touch her until the end of the ceremony when the priest presents her to me as a new Christian.

I had to watch from the sidelines as they oiled her down, cut her hair and then dressed her. She reached for me constantly and I felt so helpless so I just hid behind the video camera.

We had to dodge a flock of goats as we drove away from the church and towards the reception hall.

The dinner celebration went down without a hitch. I was especially proud of all the decorations and party favors as they were all homemade by my family. The cake was also pretty and very delicious.

Marianna worked the room spreading, love, laughter and her new found spirituality wherever she went.

Looking at her smiling at me from across the room in her beautiful dress and bonnet I felt blessed.

Postcard from the Road 2

2009-06-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

Got Milk?

2009-06-14T02:10:00.000-07:00

We have been in Cyprus for 10 days now. It is great to be home and around family but with it has come some expected obstacles. Marianna has drawn a lot of attention. Her charm, mobility and 'exotic' looks have had people talking and talking is something Cypriots love to do.

I thought I was prepared for the opinions. I knew it was customary here to dish out advice. Whether it be driving directions or the best way to cook beans someone always knows best. So I was ready to hear what my family had to say about the various choices William and I have made in regards to Marianna's upbringing. I braved the curious looks we would get every time we changed a cloth diaper. I smiled politely whenever people would point and laugh at our baby carrier. But my patients finally broke when I heard comment after comment about my choice to continue to breastfeed.

Here in Cyprus it seems every woman's milk "dries up" after 3 months. Coincidentally this always coincides with their doctor telling them that their baby is going through a growth spurt and they need to supplement their breastfeeding with formula. So seeing me still breastfeeding a nine month old seems impossible to them. Although I am constantly preaching the benefits of breastfeeding, I get nothing but attacked for my choice.

Some of the ridiculous comments I have had to put up with include:
1. Her teeth won't grow strong because your milk does not have enough calcium.
2. Her hair is thin because of the lack of vitamins.
3. She will bite your nipple off.
4. She is constantly hungry because she is not getting enough food.
5. You're spoiling her because she needs you around to feed her.
6. She will never sleep through the night if you continue to breast feed her.

It saddens me when other mothers accuse me of depriving my child of nutrition and an adequate supply of food. Marianna's petite stature fuels their argument despite her excellent health and impressive development.

I am having a very hard time with this issue because it is very difficult to defend myself against other mothers who obviously did not make the choice to formula feed on their own. I have nothing against formula feeding, if a parent chooses to do so. However here it seems that women have been forced into this by their doctors who are obviously misinformed. As if this is not enough they then go on to preach this nonsense to other mothers making it impossible for anyone here to make an informed choice between formula and breastfeeding.

It makes me want to scream!!!

Postcard from the Road

2009-06-12T01:51:00.000-07:00

After an exhausting car ride through the windy mountain roads of Bulgaria we stopped for the night in a quaint village called Tryavna.

9 Months

2009-06-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry I skipped a month. It has been a busy time in the Voutouvans household and I have had a hard time keeping up with the updates. Marianna's 8th month was a productive one and it was followed by an equally impressive 9th one.

She has become such a little person. I think she is looking less like a baby because of her new ablity to stand up. She has been pulling herself up a lot more and can stand unsupported for up to ten seconds. She even pushes herself up from the floor to standing. It is very impressive. The other day she grabbed a shoe in each hand, pushed herself up and proceeded to bang them together before landing with a plop on her padded behind.

She is a charmer. Stopping people in their tracks with her sweet giggles and chipmunk smile. She is also very expressive stringing together sounds to make long gibberish sentences that sound like she is having a conversation with someone from Mars. She claps when she is excited and pouts and shakes her head 'no" when she is not happy.

She also greets everyone who looks her way wth a throaty chuckle and will wave hello and goodbye to all passerbys. She also will reply with a "haaaaae" when you say hello or hi. I think I will consider this her first word as it is always used as a greeting and followed by a wave.

Her appitite is forever changing. One day she will eat three meals happily. Picking up finger foods like carrots and string beans. Other days she refuses to sit in her highchair and will not let us come near her with a spoon. However she rarely turns down her favorites: pickles, olives and yoghurt.

We are on the road now and will continue to update the blog with details of our first family vacation.

Marianna packing for her trip.

No! No! Cheerio!

2009-05-18T09:55:00.000-07:00

Marianna learned to shake her head when she doesn't want something. It really came out of nowhere and we can't figure out how she learned to do it. We think it is the cutest thing and sometimes offer her things when we know she doesn't want them. It's terrible I know.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up to a home cooked, delicious breakfast and a hot latte from my favorite coffee shop. Marianna gave me a beautiful card expressing her gratitude for my 8 months of service and then she stole the strawberries off my my waffle.

Thank you William for allowing me to kick back. I got to browse the internet, lounge around in my PJs and play with my little munchkin without worrying about dirty dishes, laundry or cooking dinner. The evening ended with a wonderful surprise, Marianna fell asleep in her crib.

I hope all the mommies out there had a special day too. Especially my Mommy who I love very much.

Happy Mother's Day!

7 Months

2009-04-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

So much to talk about. I have started several posts about a variety of things like: being a stay at home mom, a sleep update, an entry about Marianna's new teeth, and a post about my period returning but I never get to finish them. I guess that is because I am now living with a very active 7 month old.

She may be little but she is fierce. Our little peanut knows what she wants and goes after it. She is demanding, stubborn, persistent and so damn cute!

We officially got kicked out of our Baby & Mommy yoga class today. To be fair we were given a warning the week she started to crawl. Our instructor playfully suggested that if Marianna doesn't stay put we might want to check out the Friday Toddler Yoga class. I tried really hard to hold her back but she would make her way over to the immobile babies and steal their toys. As if that was not enough she would then return to our mat with stolen goods in hand and taunt the poor babies by waving their toys at them and squealing with delight.

I feel like her growing brain needs constant stimulation so we also started an art & music class called Baby Boogie. At home I have set up several play stations for her to explore and I have been teaching her sign language. It has been 3 weeks and she already signs when she wants to nurse. It was incredible when she first did it. It took me a few days to realize it was not just a coincidence. The interesting thing is that I now notice that she will do the sign for milk (opening and closing her fist) 15 minutes before she starts to whine. That is how I use to know she was hungry. It is nice because it has eliminated some of the whining, which drives me up the wall.

She has her two bottom teeth and is definitely working on her top ones. She is not a picky eater and although she pulls a "what the hell is this" face after the first bite she always eats everything I offer. I have been making my own baby food which was a challenge at first but I have gotten more organized and after a talk with my pediatrician, I was told not to hold back and give her everything we eat with the exception of cow's milk and honey. So every night I make her a blended version of what we are having for dinner. William gets a kick out of the tiny little bowls of pureed chicken parmigiana and Chinese stir-fry.

So more to come once William is off of work and I have a little bit of hands-free time. For now here is one of the daily videos we make for daddy, so he gets a peek of what the little monster has been up to while he was at work.

Car & Fortune Cookie by Marianna Chiyoko Evans

Baby Proof

2009-04-03T10:51:00.000-07:00

Ever since Marianna has learned to crawl and pull herself up she has become nothing but trouble....

BIG

Marianna getting into a pencil case.

BIG

Marianna getting a taste of our CD collection.

BIG

Marianna is impressed at the quality of our HDTV

BIG

Marianna is fascinated by packing peanuts.

TROUBLE!

First Crawl!

2009-03-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

Half of One

2009-03-06T08:52:00.001-08:00

Half way there!

Marianna is 6 months old today. 6 months!

I like to imagine her developing brain as a control panel with thousands of colorful buttons that are gradually being turned on. A couple of weeks ago she bumped her head while in her jumper and the curiosity button got knocked on.

It began with her studying the way her hands open and close. Then she became aware of textures and would carefully stroke her teddy bear's fur or wrap her fingers around a piece of string. The cutest thing is when she is nursing she will reach up and pet my face or run her fingers through my hair.

Once she gained the ability to sit up, she began playing with her toys differently. Instead of swatting at them or shoving them straight into her mouth, she instead studies them carefully as if deciding which one tastes better. I don't know if I am imagining things but if I hand her her rattle she immediately begins to shake it and if I hand her Sophie her teething toy she doesn't think twice before chomping down on her. Could it be that she recognizes their function and knows how to use them? Amazing.

Her curiosity excites her. Her eyes light up when she sees me reach for my keys and she squeals and grabs for anything I am holding - especially the camera. Making it impossible to get a candid photo.

The only thing holding her back from tearing the house apart is her immobility, but not for long. Marianna is on a mission to crawl. She can lift herself up onto her hands and knees and in the last couple of days I have watched her as she concentrates on her coordination. Struggling to get one foot forward without flipping over. She is so focused and determined but quickly gets frustrated and begins to grumble, but never gives up until she is hungry or sleepy. She reminds me so much of William.

I can't wait to see what button gets pushed next - maybe the "sleep through the night" one.

Blue

2009-02-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

Blue is the color of dawn,
Streaming through my window.
Blue are the walls, the floor,
My rocking chair as it sways in this ocean.
Blue are my arms, that pull her tightly towards me.
Blue is my face as I imagine it.
My lips parched.
My hair a mess.
Blue are my eyes peeking carefully through drawn lids.
I mimic sleep and hope she mimics me.
Blue are her fingers as they search for a sign.
Pocking for attention.
Grabbing at my patience.
I am her Goliath in this blue battle.
Armed with nothing but a toothless smile she will fight me,
Until our world turns yellow.

Food for Thought.

2009-02-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

Boy oh boy month number 5 is a difficult one. Marianna is definitely teething and just like her mommy she loves to complain. Her poor lower gum is swollen and when she is not crying she whines constantly. She is also very needy. Last month she was content laying in her play gym practicing rolling over and chewing on Sophie her toy giraffe, now she wants to be held all the time - it is exhausting!

Her pearly whites are arriving just in time, because we introduced solids last weekend and she has been chomping down on rice cereal, mushy carrots and pear puree. It has definitely been the up side to this challenging month. It is so much fun to watch her reaction to different foods and there is nothing cuter then a messy baby face.

No progress in the night time sleep regression. She is still up every 2 hours and sometimes it take 45 minutes to get her back asleep. On Monday I calculated that I got just under 2.5 hours of sleep and she refuses to nap more then 30 minutes at a time during the day so I don't even bother trying to lay down with her because by the time I get settled in bed I feel a tug on my hair.

Speaking of which I hear a grumble coming from the other room. I guess you'll have to visit the flickr site to get a peek of what else we've been up to this month.

To the Beat of her own Drum

2009-02-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

Marianna is fine. The Cardiologist did a full ultrasound exam that revealed a perfectly normal heart that beats a little differently than most. After listening to my heart, the doctor confirmed that my heart also has a different rhythm to it. So Marianna inherited my out of tune heart. Hey that can't be that bad - right?

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I am exhausted! Marianna has been keeping me up all night. For some reason she has regressed back to the 2 hour wake schedule she had during the first 2 months, after that she would pretty much sleep through the night, waking up only once to eat. Since last Friday she decided to change it up and I do not know what to do to get my nights back.

On the bright side she is "sleeping" in her new IKEA crib. The problems started before this so it definitely is not the culprit and when she finally does sleep she seems to like her new bed.

She also gained close to a pound in the last three weeks. That made me happy.

Marianna in her new crib, taking a very short nap.

Heart to Heart

2009-01-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

Marianna had her 4 month check up at her pediatrician a couple weeks ago and I have been meaning to update the blog with the results. However we got some news that has really got me down and I had a hard time writing about it because I didn't want to worry everyone until I had some more information.

It turns out Marianna has a heart murmur and we were referred to a Cardiologist who we will be visiting on February 3rd. Our Pediatrician who is fantastic and very non-alarmist made sure we understood that this is common in infants and they can grow out of it. She explained that an innocent heart murmur can be caused by small blood vessels to the lungs, so as her body grows, so will the vessels and the murmur will go away. However since both William and my family have a history of heart disease (my dad survived complete heart failure in his 30's) she said that she would like Marianna to visit a Cardiologist as soon as possible.

I think this news combined with finding out she gained less then a pound in the last month stressed me out. Again my pediatrician reassured me that she is a petite, active baby and that I should not worry about her below average weight gain. As long as she is happy and alert I have nothing to worry about. Of course that is easier said then done. Being a breastfeeding mother I can't help but blame myself. I had noticed that she did not nurse for as long as she use to while we were in L.A. but I think it was the new environment and the many distractions. Since we have been back her feedings are longer and I plan on introducing solids next week so I hope to see better results next month.

I know that I need to trust that she is fine. She is definitely developing mentally and physically and she is a "happy" (see video below) baby. I guess the worrying is just part of being a parent.

4 Months

2009-01-14T21:07:00.000-08:00

Marianna turned into a whole new baby in the last couple of weeks. It is like she woke up and said "hello world I am here to conquer you". I am still amazed at the rapid developments that have taken place right before our eyes. Maybe it was the warm, California air that encouraged her to blossom into this new exciting stage.

Not only is she curious about her surroundings, grabbing and exploring objects with her hands and mouth (including her own feet), she is also curious about sounds and the way my mouth moves. She will grab at my mouth and nose when I talk to her and she has become very vocal. She squeals with delight when excited and will giggle when you make a funny noise. Her favorite is "boing". She can spend hours talking to herself or the dangeling toys in her play gym (a Christmas gift from mommy and daddy).

I am also impressed at the sudden burst of physical coordination. She has always been very strong (pushing a pumpkin over at just 5 weeks old) but she has just recently been able to put that strength to use. She can roll over from both sides and has figured out that by doing this she can move toward objects she wants to explore. No more alone time on the changing table and no more running to the bathroom while she hangs out on the couch. Instead I started leaving her in her play gym while I washed dishes in the other room but I was surprised yesterday when I watched her scoot across her play gym using her elbows, legs and HEAD! She went right for the camera case I left on the floor. Thank goodness I was watching or the strap could have easily ended up around her neck. I guess it's time to baby-proof the apartment.

We had a great time in California and Marianna did relatively well on her first trip. The flying didn't seem to phase her much. Either did the change of environment. She actually took to Granny's house very well and got herself on a nice sleep schedule (better then the one she has in New York). She would be asleep every night at 11pm and awake by 8am. Waking only once at night to eat. Here she is much more sporatic. I think it has to do with William's work schedule, she seems to wait for him to get home at night and often wakes up when he is going to work. Since we've been back her sleeping habits have taken a turn for the worst - I think she may be jet-lagged because last night she didn't get to sleep until 2:30am.

Despite the potential jet-lag she is generally more perdictable and I like that. I can calm her down much faster and she doesn't like to be held as much as before. She can play independently for longer periods of time. She was a little needy when we first got back home but I think that was because she had gotten use to a lot of stimulation from all our loved ones. I have so much more to write about our trip but I'll have to save it for another post. It is midnight and she is asleep so I should be doing the same. Goodnight.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-26T11:39:00.001-08:00

Let it Snow!

2008-12-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I can't wait to get out of here! We leave for L.A. Sunday morning, hopefully the storm ends by then as there are already 500 flights cancelled for tonight and Saturday.

We will be in California From December 21st - January 11th. I hope everyone has a happy and healthy holiday and may 2009 bring you all luck and joy.

3 Months

2008-12-11T11:05:00.001-08:00

Marianna has really had an eventful month. As I mentioned before she endured her first cold that ended up lasting 2 weeks. Although she was congested and having a tough time eating and breathing she still managed to wow us with some developmental milestones.

1. She rolled over. She loves tummy time and I noticed a couple of weeks ago that she was pushing her legs up much higher then before so I made sure to have camera at hand every time I put her down. She was so persistent and would try really hard but she just never had enough strength to make it all away around from tummy to back. Last Thursday at my mom and baby yoga class the teacher suggested that I put her down without a diaper. So last Friday I took off her diaper and placed her down on her tummy. I reached over to pick up my camera and when I looked down again she was on her back - I missed it! She hasn't done it again. William and I have spent hours cheering her on but she doesn't like to perform for an audience.

2. She follows me with her eyes when I cross the room. She also can kinda play peek-a-boo. If William is walking her around with her hanging over his shoulder and she happens to spot me as he passes by, she smiles big. I can see her searching for me until she spots me again.

3. She can see toys placed in front of her and will reach for them. Her favorite toy is Sophie the Giraffe. She tries to get as much of her a possible into her mouth.

4. She loves to stand. She can spend hours sitting and standing - with my help. It is her favorite game. For this reason I got the jumper that The Smiths got us out and my suspicion was correct she loved it. She didn't really use it to jump, she would just spin herself around to explore the room. Unfortunately she is still too small for it and ended up banging her head on the tray when she got too excited. I guess we'll have to wait another month before getting it out again.

5. My favorite development is that she loves to "speak". We spend hours talking to each other. She coos and squeals and seems to mimic my tone. When I was telling her about Christmas and all the presents she will receive she screamed with excitement and then when I told her that I get sad around the holidays because I miss my family she cocked her head to one side and cooed gently. It was so sweet.

All in all it has been a roller coaster of a month. On the one hand it was hard to see her so upset at times and not gain as much weight as last month (she is now 11 pounds 2 ounces). On the other hand she is growing into a little person with a big personality. I look forward to what tomorrow holds.

Marianna's Garden

2008-12-05T21:02:00.001-08:00

Our friend Ryan (Tarp) is an extrodinary artist. He made this painting with Marianna in mind and named it Marianna's Garden. At first glance it might look like a grim painting but if you look closer it is full of hope. In Tarp's words: "I feel that, even in dark times, even at the very subsistence level, there is such brilliance in the natural world, and I wanted to portray that. This painting is about the luminosity of that hope, depicted in the glowing rows of the garden, which will survive despite the lost shelter."

I can't even express how much this piece means to me. Marianna brought such hope to us after we endured some of the most challenging times of our lives. She is our growing garden.

A Challenge

2008-12-03T15:40:00.000-08:00

The end of a long day

This has been a very difficult week. Marianna has been recovering from the cold, which I gave her. It was hard to hear her sniffling and coughing. It was harder to watch her struggle to eat and breath at the same time. But what is even harder is to listen to her scream uncontrollably for what seems like no good reason.

Her nose has cleared up and she definitely is eating and pooping so according to the doctor I have nothing to worry about. Easy for her to say. I am just amazed that she went from a very easy, low maintenance little girl to a screaming, inconsolable baby. It is like she is mad at me for giving her a cold.

It is a weird cycle that continues constantly through out the day. She wakes up, plays happily for 15 minutes and then begins to scream. No whimper or warning just full on wailing. I quickly rush to feed her which often means I have to calm her down first or she will not latch on. Sometimes she'll settle down and eat until she falls asleep or she'll struggle to eat starting and stopping, until I have to rock her asleep. Either way when she does fall asleep it is only for 15- 20minutes at a time and then the cycle begins again.

This "new phase" makes it impossible for me to get anything done. By the time I get her down for a nap I barely have enough time to get up and start something before she wakes up. On the bright side she does still sleep 5-6 hours every night so I do get to rest up for the next day.

It's been challenging.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Two 11 pound Turkeys

We had a fun Thanksgiving in New York this year. We ambitiously cooked a Turkey, made stuffing, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, brussels sprouts and mash potatoes and gravy.

Sakura is visiting so we had some help gobbling up our feast.

We had a lot to be thankful for this year, but here is my short list:

1. I am thankful for the new addition to my family. Marianna is the greatest thing to happen to me and every day she is here I am thankful.

2. I am thankful I have such a great, supportive family. They made my transition into motherhood smoother. Especially my mom, Dianna and Sakura who really helped me out these past 3 months.

3. I am thankful I have such a great husband, that turned out to be the best daddy I know.

4. I am thankful for a wonderful group of friends, that surround me and Marianna with constant love.

Hope you all had a fantastic day.

Baby's First

2008-11-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

We have had a lot of "firsts" this month:

First time Marianna held onto a toy.

First time she used her arms to push her shoulders off the ground during tummy time.

First time she has had tears when she cries.

First time she cooed and made a continuous sequence of sounds.

Sadly we are now dealing with her first cold.

The many emotions of Marianna

2008-11-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

Just the Two of Us.

2008-11-11T08:45:00.001-08:00

Walk in the park

Last week was my first week alone with Marianna.

Since the day she was born I have always had someone here with me at all times and although I was excited to start my life alone with my daughter this week has made me realize what a real blessing it was to have my mom and mother-in-law with me for so long. I got to build my confidence and used their expertise to really get the hang of things. I also was able to get out once a day to run errands, do laundry, get a coffee at my favorite coffee shop, get a haircut and a pedicure. I think this time alone saved me from the baby blues.

Although I was nervous I was determined to jump into this new life head first. I wanted to not let my insecurities stop me from doing all the things I would have "normally" done. So we began the week with going to vote and an Election day dinner and after-party in Forte Greene. I think the highlight of our outing was getting the sling on with no help from William. I have really had trouble getting comfortable with the sling and can't wait to switch over to the Ergo Carrier because she is getting heavy (over 10 pounds).

The dinner went well. She slept through dinner and was up in time to see Obama take Pennsylvania. Although she behaved very well, I was exhausted from two days of taking care of her on my own so I left early and watched the rest of the results from home.

Out on the town with mommy

The next few days we spent our time mastering our new routine:

Marianna has been sleeping 5 hours every night. She wakes up at 6am which usually coincides with William going to work. Once she eats we go back to sleep until 8:30am and then we are up for the day. We spend most of the morning playing and eating and then she'll take a long nap between 12:30 - 2pm. This gives me time to do the dishes, check my email and tidy up. She then wakes up and feeds and takes 30 minute - 1 hour naps until the late afternoon. We then get ready and go out for a couple of hours. This is the hardest part of the day for me because I have to get her ready and out the door which can get complicated as I need to get her asleep before putting her in the stroller. If I don't time this just right she might end up crying for the first half of our walk. It often takes me 2 hours to get ready and out the door but I think it is worth it as the fresh air and social interactions (even if it is just with the cashier at the supermarket)are important to me. Once we are back at home I'll try to get her to sleep long enough to make dinner. This rarely goes as planned. However she is able to stay in her bouncer longer as she can finally enjoy the company of her dangling friends for at least 15 minutes before crying for attention. So what would have taken me 30 minutes to prepare usually takes 2-3hours. My trick is to start early or to order take-out. At 9pm she goes from being the sweetest little angel to a screaming monster. It is a weird phase that has developed in the last two weeks. She feeds sporadically and for only 10 minutes at a time. She gets cranky and cries and although I try everything I can think of she just won't settle down. Thankfully this part of the day coincides with William coming home and it really helps that we can switch off or I think I would lose my mind. The day ends between 11:30 - 1am when she finally passes out for the night.

On Friday I decided to really put myself to the test and ventured into the city for the day. We went for pizza, nursed in the park and visited my old job. I think it went well except for a minor incident when I drop a blob of cheese on her head while eating pizza. I got a few dirty looks from some passerby and although I found it funny, they made me feel like I was a bad parent.

So she survived a week with just her mommy and I have gained a great appreciation for all the moms out there who do this every day. It is a hard job! However I really enjoyed myself. I get such pleasure in the little things. Like the smile I get when she wakes up and realizes I am here and the way she rubs her little feet together while she eats. It makes me look forward to another day together.

Hope.

2008-11-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

On Election night I sat in my rocking chair with Marianna curled up on my lap asleep. I had CNN on and my cell phone next to me. William was at work and I was texting him as the States on the map turned blue. I didn't think I would cry, but at 11pm when they announced that Obama was our new President I was suddenly overcome with this feeling that I haven't felt in a long time. It was a feeling of hope.

While Obama gave his speech Marianna opened her eyes and smiled at me. I cried. I am proud that she is an American.

Happy Halloween!

2008-11-01T15:50:00.000-07:00

Dianna put together Marianna's parrot costume. She hated it at first but wore it with pride on Halloween day.

William and I made our ship out of a refrigerator box we found on the side of the road. It was quite a crowd pleaser. Our Pirate outfits were made up of fantastic Salvation Army finds and a few accessories from a Halloween store.

We won the Park Slope Civic Center Halloween contest and were asked to participate in the parade.

It was the best Halloween ever!

Hitting the bottle

2008-10-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Although I plan to breastfeed while I am at home, I wanted to try to introduce a bottle to Marianna while her grandmother is still here in the hopes that William and I could go see a movie. I also would like to take William out for his 30th birthday on November 14th and was hoping I could leave Marianna with a friend for part of the evening.

I did some research and purchased a Medela Manual Breast pump set. This included a bottle and slow-flow nipples. The reviews said that the flow was great for first time bottle users so I had high hopes.

To my surprise pumping was a breeze. It didn't hurt and I got 3 ounces of milk out on my first try. After reading a few articles about mother's transitioning from breast to bottle I decided to take some of their advise and not attempt to bottle feed Marianna myself. Apparently the baby is more likely to reject a bottle from their mother as they get confused as to why she is not breastfeeding them. So I waited for William to come home so he could be the first to give Marianna a bottle.

She started out in a good mood when we made our first attempt. She accepted the nipple in her mouth but could not figure out what to make of it. I think the most confusing thing for her was that the milk was flowing into her mouth without her having to suck. Even though we were using "slow-flow" nipples, it would fill her mouth quickly and she would spit it out. She even chocked a few times which really upset me. I think as my anxiety rose watching her struggle she became more upset with the situation and began to cry.

I told my midwife about the experience and she suggested I not be around the next time we tried, as a baby can read their mother's cues and she could probably sense my anxiety. So while I was at the grocery store the next day my mother-in-law gave it another go. She reported when I got home that Marianna again accepted it but began to choke and cry after the milk flowed to quickly into her mouth.

The controlling mother in me took over and I insisted on giving it a try myself. She repeated the same behaviour with me. So my conclusion is that Marianna is ready and willing to take a bottle from anyone but I need to find the right bottle and nipple for her.

So my hunt for the right bottle has begun. There are so many bottles on the market and all of them have mixed reviews. I think it would be a good idea to try something that has a vacuum seal that does not allow milk out unless the baby sucks. Apparently Playtex makes a bottle like this but they are not BPA free. Dianna recommended Gerber's NUK so I might order those. In the meantime the lady at the store where I bought my pump recommended this new bottle called the Adiri. It has a funny shape but might be worth a try because it looks like it has a large base for Marianna to latch onto.

I think I have become slightly obsessed with this so if anyone has any suggestions please feel free to send them my way. I really enjoy feeding Marianna and I want the transition to be a pleasant one. She is so adaptable and has such a great attitude about this right now and I don't want to drag the trial out too long, as it might become a negative experience for her.

Heads Up

2008-10-20T13:48:00.001-07:00

Marianna doing her head lifts

It's been a busy couple of weeks. My mom left after spending three weeks with her first grandchild. It was a wonderful experience to learn about motherhood from my mother. She is a first daughter and I am a first daughter and Marianna is a first daughter so it really felt like we were all connected by this. It was very difficult to say goodbye. I have been leaving my mom ever since I was 19, so I am no stranger to goodbyes , but having to take Marianna from her arms as she passed through security on her way to her gate really broke my heart. I couldn't imagine spending months away from my daughter and it was the first time I really understood how hard it must be for my mother to live so far away from me.

Dianna arrived last week and it has been a great help to have her around. The weather has changed and Fall has arrived so we have been spending the chilly evenings at home together watching Marianna grow.

She is so strong. She lifts her head up for long periods of time and her little legs are always kicking things off the changing table. She also is much more alert then before. She reacts to rattles or any toy dangled over her head. She smiles at me more and I feel it is more deliberate as it often is a response to me tickling her chin or telling her how pretty she is in a high pitched voice.

On Saturday I went to get a massage and while I was away she began to cry as she wanted to be fed. William and Dianna tried their best to quiet her. They struggled as we have not given her a pacifier and instead have been using our fingers to calm her when I am unable to nurse. However in her screaming fit she accidentally stuck her thumb in her mouth and was instantly soothed. In the past couple of days she has been in search of her thumb every time she has been upset but has not been able to coordinate herself enough to make it work. It is a sad (and kinda funny) scene to watch her punch at her lips with her little fist. She just hasn't figured out that she needs to stick her thumb out.

Another development is that she has been sleeping in her bassinet. Ever since her arrival she has been sleeping in bed with us. This has made night time nursing much easier as I do not have to get out of bed. However I find it difficult to fully relax with her so close, especially since she is a very vocal baby. She grunts and squeals in her sleep any time she is pooing. She also squirms and likes to play with my face and hair. I find it impossible to nap during the day so we decided in order for me to get at least 2-3 hours of restful sleep I need to put her in the bassinet for a couple of hours during the night. I was concerned that she would not like it as she has become so accustomed to being next to me but to my surprise she has taken to it well and I am the one with the problem. I keep waking up to check on her and I spend most of our time apart listening for any signs of her waking up. So I'll just have to keep practicing and hopefully I can learn to relax with her or without her next to me.

Well that's our news for now. Off to spend some time with the munchkin. I'm sure she is doing something cute and I don't want to miss it.

One Month Old

2008-10-05T17:28:00.001-07:00

Baby Marianna is a super hero. She has the power to manipulate time. Since she has arrived in my life a month ago it feels like I blinked and it was 30 days later. Yet on the other hand it feels like she is an old friend and I have known her (and loved her) forever.

Her face is the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to sleep at night. I use the word ‘sleep’ loosely because it is more like napping, but that is one of the many things that have changed in the last month.

In our first month together Marianna and I have overcome some major obstacles. She no longer has trouble feeding after waking up from deep sleep. I don’t rush to feed her as soon as she opens her eyes, I play with her, change her diaper and wait for her to get slightly impatient before offering her food. It seems to work well. We go to bed at 11pm and she feeds every 2-3 hours in bed until 8am. Then my mom (who has been staying with us for the past 3 weeks) will wake up and take her for 3 hours so I can sleep. At first it was difficult to not have her next to me but after a week of restless nights, I welcomed the alone time and could finally pass out.

She is so much more alert now. She stays awake longer and loves to stare up at me and make funny faces. Her grey eyes love to fix on movement and she follows voices. I have come to recognize the “I’m pooping” face and the “hurry up and feed me because I’m about to cry” face. I can spend hours staring at her and although I know it is not a conscious smile, nothing makes me happier then when she accidentally grins.

She enjoys bathing and I really enjoy washing her hair. It feels so soft after I am done. I also love to dress her up in new outfits. She looks so cute in a hoodie.

Sadly her digestive system is still developing and she has painful bouts of gas. She squeals and grunts in her sleep sometimes trying to relieve herself. It is hard to watch. I can’t help thinking it is my fault and have cut down on dairy products and spicy food just in case my diet is playing a part in it.

It is amazing how quickly she is growing. Some of her newborn clothing no longer fits her. She use to be able to lie comfortably across my legs but now her head hangs over my knees. Her cheeks are filling out and I can no longer see her chin.

Speaking of gaining weight, I am steadily dropping the pounds. After the birth I still had 20 extra pounds on me and in the last month I have lost five. I’m not too concerned about the extra weight but am a little frustrated that I cannot fit into any of my pre-pregnancy jeans. I still have to wear maternity pants and have avoided buying new clothing until I get back to my old size. In a couple of weeks I plan on pumping and trying to give Marianna a bottle. If she takes well to this, Dianna my mother in law (who is staying with us for most of October when my mom leaves) can feed her while I go to the gym.

I think the most important thing I have learned this month about Marianna is that she is forever changing. Just when I think I have her all figured out she changes things up. She is forcing me to live in the moment. Something I have always wanted to do and have struggled with. It is amazing that this little creature has the power to make me a better person. She really is super.

Debate Night

2008-09-28T12:25:00.001-07:00

I sat down with the future generation to watch the first Presidential Debates and this is what Marianna had to say about our current leaders:

Obama

McCain

Bush

That's my Little Girl

2008-09-22T16:30:00.001-07:00

This is me at 2 days old.

This is Marianna at 6 days old

My mom arrived on Saturday and she brought me this picture of me when I was in the hospital the day before they took me home. I was surprised at how much Marianna and I looked alike.

Week One

2008-09-14T19:06:00.001-07:00

Day 1

Day 7

I can't believe she has only been here a week. It feels like I have known her forever. However we are definetly still learning each other and she has a lot to teach me.

Here is what we have learned so far:

1. She does well in a car seat and sling. She falls asleep instantly and will stay asleep until we stop moving.

2. She prefers to sleep on her stomach or side. Is quiet when we put her in the bouncer but will usually wake up if placed on her back. For now this is ok because she is sleeping with us but she is going to have to get used to sleeping on her back when we move her to the bassinet.

3. She feeds every 2 hours (like clock work) but has a longer stretch of sleep in the late afternoon where I have to wake her up to eat after sleeping for 3-4 hours.

4. Breastfeeding is going well. She has learned to latch on and will feed for 15 minutes at a time. However if she wakes up from a deep sleep she seems to forget how to latch on and we have to go through a 20 minute screaming battle where I almost have to force my nipple down her throat as she screams and pushes it away. William and I have come up with a pretty good feeding routine when this happens. I'll wake her up and try to feed her. She'll get frustrated and start to cry. William will walk her around the house to calm her down and then we'll try again. Usually works after 3 tries.

5. She likes getting her diaper changed. But she hates putting the new one on.

6. In the last couple of days she has become more aware and will be alert between feedings. She'll look into our eyes or at random things around the house.

It's been a full week so far and we can't wait to see what week two will hold.

Isn't she lovely?

2008-09-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

It was a stormy night...

2008-09-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

This is the story of Marianna Chiyoko's birth. I went into early labor on Thursday morning. The contractions were light and came 10 minutes apart. I was prepared for this to last two or three days so despite my excitement I paced myself and followed my midwife's instructions. I drank a lot of water and napped. The next morning I was up early after the contractions had picked up pace and were coming 3 minutes apart. William and I decided to take our time cleaning, packing and having a leisurely morning at home before heading into the city for our appointment. My excitement was building as the contraction became stronger. I was confident that we would be on our way to the hospital after our appointment.

The midwife gave me an exam and sent us home after confirming I was only 2-3cm dilated. She said that if we went to the hospital now they would insist on inducing my labor and that would increase my chances of a C-section. Something I was hoping to avoid. I actually had decided that I wanted to deliver the baby without any medication or interventions and the best way to accomplish this is to stay home as long as possible before going to the hospital. So despite my immense disappointment we took the long subway ride home. I stared out the subway window at the beautiful Friday afternoon and remember thinking that it would have been

a beautiful day to be born.

When we got home my contractions slowed down and even stopped completely for about an hour. I was so frustrated at this point that I became cranky. I did not want to go through another night of contractions. I was sick of looking at the clock and tired of hoping for and then dreading the pain. The midwife had asked me to rest as much as possible when I got home and not to exert any energy as I may be in labor for a few more days. I did not want to be at home anymore so I decided to disobey and instead William and I headed into Prospect Park for a late afternoon walk. As the sun set over the walking path and the wind picked up my contractions started up again. This time they were too strong to walk through and I had to stop along the way and have William hold me as I whimpered through them. They were still irregular (they would come anywhere between 4 - 8 minutes apart) but they were strong and painful.

We headed home, had a light dinner and call the midwife. It was now 10pm and I was sure it was a go. I could not talk through a contraction and the pain seemed unbearable. However our midwife warned that the irregularity was a sure sign that I had not progressed enough to be admitted into the hospital and that it would be a waisted trip uptown. I began to protest but storm clouds had rolled in and the weather was quickly changing so the thought of being sent home in the rain made me give in once again. Our midwife suggested I have a glass of wine and go to bed. She asked me not to look at a clock and to just ride the contractions out. She suggested I lay still on my side and pretend each one is a wave that is passing over me.

So I crawled into bed after gulping down a gross glass of white cooking wine (we haven't kept good alcohol in the house for 9 months) and tried to imagine myself on a shore in Cyprus with the Mediterranean waves sliding over me. However after about two powerful contractions all I could imagine was a knife stabbing me over and over.

It was 12:30am and William was in the living room reading. He had been such a great help the last few days, really coaching me through the contractions, massaging my back and helping me breathe. As the pain became unbearable, like nothing I have ever felt in my life, I thought of calling for him but decided I needed to take control of the situation. I realized that I had been relying too much on other people these last few days. I was always seeking confirmation from William and my midwife instead of listening to my own instincts. I was sick of asking them: "Is this it?", "Am I ready?" "Can we go to the hospital?" "When will this end?" Why did I expect them to have all the answers? This was my body. This was my labor.

I pretended to be asleep when William crawled into bed next to me. I had turned the bedside clock around so I did not know what time it was. I concentrated on the howling wind. As Hurricane Hanna swept in, I knew I would be having a baby tonight.

Just as the thought crossed my mind I felt a shift in my pelvis and a pop. I jumped up thinking my water had broken but I did not feel wet. It was very humid and the continuous pain had drenched me in a cold sweat so I could not be for sure. Yet something had changed. It was not physical, the pain was the same but a sudden urgency came over me. I became frantic and I really did not know why. I woke up William and urged him to call the midwife. I told him that I would not stand for any more negotiating. I was frantic but assertive. I said the pain and contractions had not changed but I wanted to go to the hospital now. I did not care if I had medication, an induction or a C-section, I needed to go and I needed to go NOW!

The midwife tried to have William time my next contraction but I would not have any of it. She was very nice about it and did not persist, instead she said she would be at the hospital waiting when we arrived. William was now left with the task of finding a cab on a weekend night in the middle of a hurricane. He called a couple of car services with no luck and from the bedroom I screamed to go knock on neighbors doors. Someone had to have a car. At 1:30am he was reluctant but he did as he was told and just as he was about to knock on our neighbor Eric's door the car service picked up. Under any other circumstance I am sure they would have turned him away. However I heard him say "Please, I have a woman in labor."

The car arrived 15 minutes later. I don't remember how I got down the stairs or how William got our suitcase, car seat, tote bag, back pack and umbrellas down the stairs in one trip. All I remember is moaning through the Battery Park Tunnel, and feeling like the West Side Highway would never end.

When we arrived at the hospital at 2:30 am, Georgia (our midwife) greeted me with a big hug. She was sweet and conversational. I immediately calmed down. I sat in a daze as she hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor and she had the nurse administer my Strep B antibiotics through an IV. It was nice to have a break before being examined as I was anxious that I would not be dilated enough and I could not imagine having to stand another minute of this pain. Georgia was really taking her time getting ready for the exam by telling us stories about growing up in Oklahoma and I began to suspect that she felt the same way as I did and was dreading having to break the bad news to me.

I do remember the look of shock on her face when she finished the exam and turned to me and said: "Your going to have a baby soon, you are 9cm dilated!"

She quickly ran the hot tub and ushered me in. She needed to occupy me as she got the room ready. The nurses rushed in and out preparing the bed, changing into scrubs, setting up the newborn bassinet. Georgia quickly flipped through my paper work making sure everything seemed right. She kept looking over to William and I and saying: "You did a good job."

I remember after about 20 minutes I had this sudden urge to bear down. I told Georgia that I felt a lot of pressure and I wanted to get out. Before she could answer William was helping me out of the tub and into a robe. Georgia rolled in a birthing ball and even though all I wanted to do was get into bed and push I decided to sit on it while she finished up her paper work.

Another contraction passed and the urge to push took over. I felt like an animal, these primal instincts took over and I really do not remember what motivated me to do what I did next. William was so amazing he never questioned me as I stood up, squatted

and began to push. After 3 contractions doing this I turned to Georgia and asked "when should I start pushing." She laughed and said "you already are." This gave me the confidence to get into bed, lift up my legs and start to push the baby out. Georgia saw this and quickly dropped what she was doing to join us. The next contraction the baby began to crown and 20 minutes later she was in my arms.

Georgia dropped her onto my chest. The room seemed to fall eerily silent. I was told later that she was crying and I repeatedly said "I can't believe it, I can't believe it." As I held her I was in so much shock at what just happened that all I could do was stare at William. He seemed like the only real, familiar thing in the room. He began to cry and I followed his gaze down to our little girl. I snapped from my trance and it was the first time her presence became apparent to me.

Her presence is now my every moment.

Welcome Marianna Chiyoko Evans

2008-09-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Born on September 6th 2008 at 4:50am

Weighed: 6 pounds 11 ounces

I am now in my new home in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

More about my eventful arrival when mommy and daddy get settled in.